Sunday, 9 December 2012

The ex-Ex

Holidailies 2012
Following up on our visitor of the last couple of days it would be safe to say that I am angry, disappointed and still processing. It all started with my son and I picking up his birth father from the station on Friday. After more than four years since his father made the effort to visit him, son has grown into a young man and they both pretty much walked past each other. At least I was there to draw attention between them and the reunion was sweet enough. In the car home I was sorting out the housekeeping of train times home to find that the Ex had his return train booked for less than twenty four hours later with all sorts of excuses regarding getting ready for work and giving someone else a lift. The tickets that were booked in advance. I do not know how son felt hearing that his father was not even going to stay the previously promised two days. After four years it is sad that was all he could manage.

Over the dinner table there was good enough banter going on, and the Ex was revealing his plans in the next couple of years to emigrate the country to live across the world. I caught son's eye and wondered if he understood what was being said and felt for him, wondering how he was doing. At that point I realised so many things. This was the man who I had always thought that family was the most important thing to him (even though he had got things wrong so many times), and gives so much lip service to family, and yet he was prepared to swan off out of the reach of all his kids and potential grandchildren. He was not providing a potential holiday destination for his kids he was looking after himself. He was the centre of his own universe. I had a thirteen year part time relationship with this man and finally broke it off back then because I knew I wanted my kids and I to be the centre of his universe and that was never going to happen because of his other commitments. That night I realised that Mr Doris is the centre of my universe in that he is my axis from which I am able to fly and return, and that the kids and I are the centre of his universe. We are still very independent people, just that we know where our priorities lay.

The next morning son cooked the Ex breakfast whilst I decorated the Christmas tree before going out to work with a client. They went for a walk round town, had lunch out and ended back at ours. Sat again at our table, son helped me to place the rest of the pieces from a magnetic poetry set onto a magnetic board, whilst putting together a rather creative set of words. There was general chatter and then son launched into a memory about one Christmas when his "parents" gave him a booby present in a large box. As he was saying I was dreading the punch line thinking the worst when he added that we then brought out the X-box he had wanted. It was like he was saying to his birth father, look here, this is what you have never done for me. I wonder if the Ex heard that, I hope he did.

Never again will I facilitate the Ex to come and stay. Whilst he swans off around the world spending money that he has never, ever offered to support his youngest son, and can not be bothered to give time to him, I have washed my hands of him. Son is old enough now to organise whatever he wants for himself. Of course I would help and support my son if needed but I won't ever make the same efforts again. 


Anji said...

I think there are some men that just don't get it.

You tried, I don't think that you can do more. Mr Doris is a real angel. I don't think many men would tolerate a visit like that.

I imagine that by now your son has learnt not to expect too much from his birth father - I wouldn't have thought that geographical distance would change much really

Doris said...

I agree with you about Mr Doris and I chatted with him specifically about how he felt about it all. He has a pragmatic approach to life and somehow just deals with it. Any normal mortal would not be quite so calm!

I reckon it is true also that geographical distance will not make a difference. He hasn't been much use up until now so what difference will it make.

Don said...

Distance doesn't have to be a block, but it probably will in this case because of the Ex...

Sorry to hear your son (and you) are having to put up with this!

Friar Don, OBR

Doris said...

Greetings Firar Don :-)

The world would be an easier place if we did not have to deal with these difficulties.

Doris said...

Or even Friar Don!