The ex-Ex

Following up on our visitor of the last couple of days it would be safe to say that I am angry, disappointed and still processing. It all started with my son and I picking up his birth father from the station on Friday. After more than four years since his father made the effort to visit him, son has grown into a young man and they both pretty much walked past each other. At least I was there to draw attention between them and the reunion was sweet enough. In the car home I was sorting out the housekeeping of train times home to find that the Ex had his return train booked for less than twenty four hours later with all sorts of excuses regarding getting ready for work and giving someone else a lift. The tickets that were booked in advance. I do not know how son felt hearing that his father was not even going to stay the previously promised two days. After four years it is sad that was all he could manage.

Over the dinner table there was good enough banter going on, and the Ex was revealing his plans in the next couple of years to emigrate the country to live across the world. I caught son's eye and wondered if he understood what was being said and felt for him, wondering how he was doing. At that point I realised so many things. This was the man who I had always thought that family was the most important thing to him (even though he had got things wrong so many times), and gives so much lip service to family, and yet he was prepared to swan off out of the reach of all his kids and potential grandchildren. He was not providing a potential holiday destination for his kids he was looking after himself. He was the centre of his own universe. I had a thirteen year part time relationship with this man and finally broke it off back then because I knew I wanted my kids and I to be the centre of his universe and that was never going to happen because of his other commitments. That night I realised that Mr Doris is the centre of my universe in that he is my axis from which I am able to fly and return, and that the kids and I are the centre of his universe. We are still very independent people, just that we know where our priorities lay.

The next morning son cooked the Ex breakfast whilst I decorated the Christmas tree before going out to work with a client. They went for a walk round town, had lunch out and ended back at ours. Sat again at our table, son helped me to place the rest of the pieces from a magnetic poetry set onto a magnetic board, whilst putting together a rather creative set of words. There was general chatter and then son launched into a memory about one Christmas when his "parents" gave him a booby present in a large box. As he was saying I was dreading the punch line thinking the worst when he added that we then brought out the X-box he had wanted. It was like he was saying to his birth father, look here, this is what you have never done for me. I wonder if the Ex heard that, I hope he did.

Never again will I facilitate the Ex to come and stay. Whilst he swans off around the world spending money that he has never, ever offered to support his youngest son, and can not be bothered to give time to him, I have washed my hands of him. Son is old enough now to organise whatever he wants for himself. Of course I would help and support my son if needed but I won't ever make the same efforts again. 

Reflections

The day began with a communication from my mother once again waxing lyrical about my childhood. About the recordings of us as kids and me all laughing fit to bust. Along with the photographs we all knew we had to pose for, she has every evidence for our charming childhoods. The stains of our youth wrapped up in pretty gauze and ribbon. It stung me as I read and it bounced around my brain pointing a finger at me laughing.

The night before I had a new client and found myself agreeing to work in the smoky atmosphere of her house as she volunteered to open the windows and put on a fan. Two young women, soon expecting babies, and it is I who was bothered about the smell in case it gave me a headache. Then I am waxing eyebrows in a bad-for-me bending over position because I am working within her environment and not in my own carefully set out beauty salon. On the way home I realised how accommodating I had been and no longer wish to be in life.

Mixed in with my monthly hormones, by mid-morning, I was feeling a fist I so wanted to use against the world. Angry. This has to be a good thing that instead of my previous imploding I was turning my anger elsewhere. Pity son chose this time to question something I had said. His sixteen year old self not knowing where to draw the line and me getting angrier by the moment was not a pretty sight so by the time I reached over to get a sharp knife from the washing up son jumped back and I felt the world stop as even dearest Mr Doris looked on concerned. As angry as I was, I did know where to draw the line and just needed to cut up my lunch.

Two bars of chocolate later, and for someone who hasn't eaten that much sugar in six months, I was on my pre-booked train to London and quite high on a sugar-rush. A whole £4.99 spent on a glossy magazine with a freebie Celia Aherne novel, along with the two bars of chocolate. It was not until I was on a tube train and saw my headless reflection in the curved door that I felt a calm descend. Looking at my trim shoulders encased in a thin peacock blue cardigan atop a fitted fuschia top, and then a circular gingham skirt I looked quite striking. My bare legs set off with lovely toenails, a fashionable cuff (which I learned was so from the purchased glossy) on one wrist as my manicured fingers held onto the handle, giving the picture of a well looked after person. It was a moment of reflection that said I looked good and I had not needed to hide in a cave.

For two days I stayed with a friend and lived her life. She is blind and not "just" visually impaired but utterly and totally in the dark. No longer any light or shadows. No flickers. I watched as she washed up and sorted her fridge after the dinner she had prepared us. Darkness had fallen and the street lights shone just a little into the kitchen but I made no attempt to switch on the light. When she descended into the dark cellar to sort out her recycling for the collection the next day it really hit me the way she happily lives life and not only gets on but does some amazing stuff. Using public transport she gets across London quicker than a sighted person. Between her and her seeing dog, they know where all the tunnels are, where to turn to get to the lifts and how to make detours when some lines are closed. Using my eyes I couldn't work it out quicker than her.

On the Manchester bound train from London, several chapters into my Celia Aherne novel, the passing world absorbs my attention. Clouds heavy with greyness crowned with the late afternoon sun, float above green English hills. A wicker sculpture of a man fishing sits beside a pond, and cattle pose by water as if in a Constable painting. Passing by a distant country house, winding canals and old stone bridges as the chirrup-chirrup of someone's mobile in the next row along draws my attention to the fine suspension in the Pendolino train I am travelling as it tilts deeply into each bend and then straightens out. Reflecting on the Celia Aherne novel I had been reading and the child lost before it was even born and I wonder about my own children lost since their childhood. They are here or are around, but not the same sparkling eyes that looked back at me when they were little. Different eyes from different people. I feel like a bad mother floating with the clouds, inconsistent with my love and affection and there is simply no denying that. It just is.

At least I am returning with my passion softened and my anger gone. The hormones have done their work. Son's hired white tuxedo for his prom is delivered and I see him wearing it looking all delighted and happy with it. He went the whole hog and ordered up a fancy waistcoat and cane which along with his afro and dark skin he looks for all the world like some sharp pimp from a 1970s movie. I manage to crack a smile at him for a change.

The world revolves and I have to grow up. There are some good bits to me and there are some not so good bits. And just like the protagonist in the "Naughtiest Girl in the School" books, when she is good, she is very, very good and when she is bad she is awful. And that is okay.

Anger, not fear

A book has come my way from "The Adult Children of Alcoholics Series". Entitled "The Self-Sabotage Syndrome: Adult Children in the Workplace". My parents are not apparently alcoholics, though at times they have not behaved well with alcohol but ACoCs is a term that can be used for anyone who has grown up in a dysfunctional family.

As an aside, I wonder how many people it takes for a family to become dysfunctional? Is just one mad parent enough and then everyone else runs around them? Or are we all within the family dysfunctional in our own sweet ways?

The term "adult children" speaks to me. Just by itself. And then the book begins with ascertaining that because of their upbringing ACoCs have no sense of what is "normal" saying "Adult Children of Alcoholics Guess at What Normal Is". Oh yes, that so resonates. That feeling of being always out on a limb and never being sure, of always feeling that I was making things up, of making up my own definitions to anything and everything. Which means that at any moment everything can come crashing down. Because I just made it up. Because I'm a fraud and I'm going to be caught out.

There is an aspect about ACoCs that I've read so far that I don't identify with and that is concerning my relationships and friendships. In fact just this month I have been realising that my friendships are one area of my life in which I am blessed and function really well. I'd don't feel all the pain and angst that I feel in other areas of my life and I wonder why that it is. Why, when my parents have not set any good examples of friendships in my childhood or since.

Laying in bed this morning thinking about this, with my constant self-analysis: stepping stones that tangle across my mind sometimes leaving me marooned in scary waters with no clear way across; I had a eureka moment. As a child we moved house and location about every two years. I never had good friendships as a kid so the moving actually became quite useful. I may not have had to face up to difficult situations in the long term, on the other hand I had plenty of experience of starting again. I actually welcomed the chance to start again and each time we moved, and being a kid, relationships were my priority. And I had plenty of chances to experiment. They were never right and I took a lot of hard knocks. I learned not to expect anything from anyone which was probably mainly due to my relationship with my parents, but reinforced by childhood relationships. I'm not sure what good things I learned from those times but I think I had the chance to find out what didn't work.

Since the age of seven I had the companionship and love of my little sister. This can not be under-estimated. I "had" to love her and protect her from the madness that was my mother. I became a mini-parent but more than that I was able to love her and she let me. Physical affection came from her, even if it was me holding her hand. When it came to me choosing between life or something else at 16 I had to walk away and leave her. Without saying a word. That was incredibly painful but she was already on her own destiny pathway and I knew she would make it. And she did. And we are very close now, but I think I still don't know the half of what she went through which makes me feel a little sad and selfish.

So when I left home at sixteen for the world of work I became the perfect ACoC employee and was easily exploited. But I was wide-eyed and enthralled by adult people. I loved meeting people and listening to them. I still am that wide-eyed girl and embrace people and situations in that way. I suppose luck comes into play that some beautiful people came into my life at different times throughout my life. I have had some friends come and go and I am still able to move on from places and leave people behind which does sound rather harsh and cold-hearted. But a core of people remain very special. A growing core even.

Boundaries in my friendships might have been a problem but I sorted that one pretty early by, on the one hand being able to love and be truly interested in other people and on the other to keep a tight reign on myself and not actually truly say too much about me. It wasn't until I was 31 years old that I told one of my girlfriends about some of my more difficult memories and then years go by and I only let out little tiny snippets. And then with my darling Mr Doris, one of my dearest friends, early on in our relationship I gave him something to read that I had written about me. Because I wanted him to know about the deep and dark depths I have. I didn't want to con him or for him to be shocked by someone different one day "when I might leak out". And then into my life comes someone who I had known of for years but suddenly we click and become immense friends and I find myself sharing depths. And then I get to my blogging years and I am haemorraghing all over the blog but in a way that has been constructive to me and now another friend is drawing depths out of me too that I didn't know I could share and I find I am changing.

Always a work in progress, for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am making progress. And this brings me to my anger. With the current financial situation in this world, life has dealt some interesting cards. Such that it seems likely when we sell our house, it won't be at a loss but there will not be much in the way of a profit. We will go into private rented and will start again with a clean slate. No debts. Just going forward and reconstruct. And in my self-analysis this morning I realised I am not scared of starting again. Picking myself and starting again is second nature to me. What I recognise is that I am so flaming angry about having to start again. My anger is such that it seethes underneath and leaks out in all the wrong places at the wrong times to the wrong people. Usually my kids but mainly directed back at me and internalised. I can feel it like a pit of badness inside me that I know has to stop or I'll be thoroughly ill.

Part of the ACoA thing is anger and anger issues. They flip out at the wrong time and inappropriately. I said that already but this is what the book says. I've never been allowed to be angry. Never known how to process anger properly. It always had to be subsumed and hidden because only my mother (or brother) could be angry. For a few months I have been aware of my feelings of anger. Like arrows flying off in all sorts of different directions and yet always avoiding the target but I don't know what the target is or should be. I don't want to be feeling this as I am not an angry and aggressive person but I suppose that is where the problem lays. I can not just feel anger and move on from it because I have seen anger as something to do with aggressiveness and as a whole character trait when that should not be the case. This area is a work in progress. And another diversion from what is probably needed - another ACoA trait. Apparently ACoAs have procrastination down to a fine art.

Raging, Roaring, Rampaging.

Moi? Indeed. The worst dose of anything I have ever had. Based in depression of no specific cause, as opposed to anger, these last few days have been disastrous.

Not good either when I am a guest in my sister's house and am demonstrating the bizarest lack of control ever known. The brunt has been son, who is doing his own hormonal thing, and between us all my sister has been chief negotiator. Normally that is my speciality but I think my Kofi Annan hat is on holiday.

At times like this I retreat into my shell, so very few people actually experience me like this. On top, I had a foul headache today culminating in being sick. That was at my parent's this morning when I had gone to fix computer hardware. My mother has found a lost set of photos from my childhood. I like to see the photos but what I do find hard is her interpretation of our wonderful life back then. I manage to hold it together but not surprising the migraine/being sick took hold instead. Like something out of the Exorcist maybe (not that I have ever watched it!) and the bad wanting to come out.

I've slept this arvo and feel a whole lot better. Just fragile now.

Getting it off my chest

This post re-published December 2012

It is getting it off my chest time. It is now quarter to three in the morning and I have just completely scrubbed the upstairs bathroom. I've just creamed my hands to try and revive them before moving onto the downstairs bathroom and utility room. We have guests later, one of which has never been before and it will be the grand tour. I'm surprised we've gotten as much done as we have so it isn't much more and anything else can be left. Mr Doris made me rest earlier in the evening and did the parlour after daughter had promised for days she would sort it out but I can see that my touch is needed in there to finish it off.

My eyes are like two piggy poke holes with sore red rims. I feel things too sensitively. I'm far too sensitive to be sticking my neck out this far for my immediate and extended family but for some reason I am driven on. I don't expect to have a trail of fairies and magic dust follow after me as I unite families who have been apart for decades, and I don't even expect everyone to have happy ever afters. I do get thank yous from all and sundry that's for sure but in my eyes that is pretty pointless when there are great swathes of animosity or downright hatred. And then my mother puts me on the spot on the telephone demanding that I be loyal to her and refuse to have anything to do with one particular person. Of course it isn't as simple as that and her arguments are quite compelling in her eyes. When she raised her voice to me on the telephone, but I managed to keep mine down and tell her that this call should end, she seemed to forget she is my guest tomorrow (later on today!). The stupid cow then went into "oh you're so busy you must put your feet up mode" when I know she just wants to stick knives in me but is keeping her options open on a darned good nosh-up at our place.

I don't suppose it is anything personal. I am such an enigma to her. A blinking happy one who makes friends even with family members. Quelle horreur!

Maybe I managed to keep up a front to her on the phone but as soon as the phone went down I swore then burst into tears. Mr Doris tried to calm me and I fell asleep on the sofa and slept it off for a couple of hours. But since I've woken again I am depressed. Then there are other members of the family in almost a love-hate relationship. A lot of the time there is fantastic stuff going on but other times, just enough times, I feel vulnerable. Like as if there are machinations going on behind my back as if people don't believe I can be so altruistic. As if I am waiting for the elderly bachelor uncle to pop his clogs and release his Will. I can see why he disappeared for forty years, I've been thinking that isn't such a bad idea and quite appealing. Let them get on with it. But then I'm feeling depressed and as Scarlet O'Hara says in "Gone with the Wind" ....tomorrow is another day.

5 Comments:

doris said...

It has ended up that the only sleep I have had was that nap last night. I just received a bright and breezy email from my mother showering praise upon me for some small other thing and waving tirar until later.

I've been productive and we have the cleanest bathrooms plus I did loads of work - that stuff that pays money. But I am still miserable and upset and liable to hit someone. And I am not even hormonal!

I think I might "resign". I don't need this stress. The superwoman nicks can go back in the case. I've had enough!

Saturday, March 11, 2006 8:43:00 AM

jane said...

I think it was in the 90s there was a book about our 'difficult person' in life. It's like a toxic person to us & it sounds like your mom fits that bill.
I know exactly how you feel, I can't put it into words, but I've been on track with things then someone says something rude or hurtful & it's like your spirit has been wounded. How do you fake that everythings okay?
But you've got the heart of a survivor & from what I know of you, the more someone pushes you down, the stronger you'll be when you get up.
I hope you got a rest & ended up having a pleasant evening.

Sunday, March 12, 2006 8:04:00 AM

Cheryl said...

This happens to me when my in-laws announce a visit, always last minute. They despise me for smoking and as I am not blood (unlike husband and kids) I get left out of all the photos, the hello & goodbye kisses, the videos. I am dealt with politely enough, but husband's mum was the role model for Mrs Bucket, so I end up up all night getting things respectable, so the rest of the family are bright eyed and bushy tailed while I am red eyed and spend most of the visit voluntarily exiled to the back garden, chain smoking.
On the other hand, I don't have my house used as the ground for delicate peace treaties.
Maybe you are better off, too tired to give a hoot whether they kill each other?
At least its done. Can't wait for you to resurface and let us know if you murdered any of them on the day. I am sure you could have pleaded extreme provocation and got away with it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, March 12, 2006 10:39:00 AM

Milt Bogs said...

I wouldn't scrub the bathroom in the middle of the night even if the Queen was popping in.
I might scrub it down after she had left.
Mind you, if the Queen pops in you get a special roll of toilet paper with little roses on each sheet, or you used to. They leave what's left, after a lady in waiting has tested it, as a memento.

Sunday, March 12, 2006 12:49:00 PM

Badaunt said...

I wish I could feel motivated enough to clean up the house... but not if it means family is coming to visit!

Oh, Doris. Family is HARD.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 4:58:00 AM

Tip-toeing through the tu***

This post re-published December 2012

Families.

Looking out for sensitivities, being kind and listening, sharing, but most of all having to step through the minefield of feelings. Being careful of not mis-repeating what the next person said and yet having to be the conduit of information between widespread relatives.

Everyone is acknowledging how difficult my role is and yet I am still having stuff shat on me from a height. Either that or they give me space because of course I'm a busy woman. It is either/or.

At some point I am going to write a plea and give it to every family member. Suggesting that we draw a line under the past and find a way forward. Explaining that everyone has a different viewpoint of exactly the same situation and that each could be more compassionate and understanding of the next person's experience or feelings or opinions.

On the other hand, I could get a gun and put one of them out of their misery and leave the rest to get on with it!

LOL I'm OK but sometimes I get a bit upset by people's attitudes.

On the everso exciting side, two of my new found relatives have booked flights to come visit in a couple of months :-)

10 Comments:

Carol said...

Yikes! I'd be nervous of two of them coming to visit Not at the same time? Could be explosive.

Friday, January 27, 2006 8:53:00 PM

doris said...

Oh no.... the two that are coming are wonderful and most welcome. It is my other relatives I have concerns about.

Friday, January 27, 2006 9:37:00 PM

Chandira said...

Sounds so very much like my family! My mum and all her idiot stubborn sisters and brothers. I want to bang all their damn heads together and I forget who the 'adults' are.. Though I guess at almost 34 I do qualify now. ;-)

Friday, January 27, 2006 10:10:00 PM

Cheryl said...

Oh WOW
Family!

Saturday, January 28, 2006 8:09:00 AM

doris said...

What a thoroughly ungrateful post of mine. I'm sorry.

Saturday, January 28, 2006 8:53:00 AM

Carol said...

Nonsense! You are the least likely person to be labelled 'ungrateful' I can think of!

Saturday, January 28, 2006 11:39:00 AM

Pearl said...

Ah, relatives curious folk. Our neighbour came home and found his boisterous sister (whom he had not seen in nearly 7 years) had talked her way into the building and was waiiting for him at the door with her baggage when he got home from work. Surprise few day visit. lol.

Saturday, January 28, 2006 2:48:00 PM

Writer Mom said...

The last five years, I've found myself drawn to the quieter family members...both mine, and my husband's side.
I was losing the battle of fitting in. Holidays were excruciating.
I think it started when I overheard an aunt murmuring something under her breath that I was thinking at the exact moment.
Something like, "These people are NUTS!"
I have close bonds with all of the outsiders now, and it's wonderful.
Friends IN the family...very nice.
I'm so happy to hear you're reconnecting with the wonderful ones.

Monday, January 30, 2006 3:02:00 AM

Steve said...

doris said...
What a thoroughly ungrateful post of mine. I'm sorry.

I must disagree with you Doris I cant see you as ungrateful. The way I see it you are just having a bit of a grumble to a group of friends. It isnt malicious or hurtful just a grumble, we all do it and then look back and think oh i shouldnt have moaned about that but it was the right thing to say at the time.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 11:21:00 AM

doris said...

Steve Thanks for your philosophy - it helps! :-)

Tuesday, January 31, 2006 5:27:00 PM

And the beat goes on

This post re-published December 2012

When I was seven my darling baby sister was born. My mother so wanted a boy (such that my sister ended up with the feminine version of the boy's name chosen) that I vowed to myself that I would protect my sister and love and take care of her so she wouldn't end up like me. In the end I needn't have worried quite so much. She was everything I wasn't and so ensured a better place in life.

My sister was born beautiful. She was blue-eyed and became curly blonde haired and the image of Shirley Temple at the age of three. I loved her so much but she was utterly gorgeous, care-free and fun-loving that her future was assured though she had her own problems. She became a 'musician' at six years old and was hot-housed by our ambitious mother. It wasn't easy for her, just different. And she had an inner strength and resources to deal with our mother most of the time.

She has two children of her own now. What bothers me intensely is that our parents live next door to them, well actually, on the same property, and have been for some years now. My sister and her husband are both busy musicians and need to come and go, so our parents have become useful child carers at all hours. They get to live rent-free but then do so much in the way of house developments and DIY and buying bits for the house/s. There are no clear lines on anything. Not helped by our mother who has no clear boundaries on anything in life.

It has long bothered me the way my mother treats my sister's children. These are children of the modern era and they will not accept the sort of messed-up bad treatment that my mother gives. On the other hand, she has bought their love and once I chatted to my ten year old nephew and he more or less told me that he loves his Gran because of all the things she buys him that he wants.

Yesterday I spent the day out at a musical event at which the whole family was there. Even my temperamental teenaged daughter was there for the weekend helping out and was a star having to put up with my mother who was obnoxious and thoughtless towards her. Coming home in the car very late last night my daughter (who at times barely grunts at me) took the entire two or so hour drive talking to me about it all. Debriefing in effect. Showing so much more maturity and understanding than my mother ever has. It is all very poignant.

Yesterday I witnessed my mother go overboard with her grandsons.... my son and my sister's son. I had already "told them off" and sorted out things and then she feels the need to go in overly heavy when my back is turned. I didn't say anything to her because it is wrong to undermine someone because maybe I didn't know the full story. I also can't trust that I won't just flip at my mother and land her with my lifelong anger towards her rather than just the event at hand. Also, she is one of those people with whom it is incredibly difficult to have a sensible and reasonable conversation. She wants to be perfect and ultra wonderful and would take it as a complete offence. Worse still, there would be consequences and she would no doubt take it out on everyone else around her which would mean my father and my sister and her family. Worst of all my nephew and niece.

The two boys are so close it is like they are in love and it broke my heart to see them split up during the last concert. (Yes, I know they can be a pain in the backside but I was prepared to handle them sitting together.) My nephew was with me in the row behind and my son was with my sister in the row in front and both us sisters spent a lot of the time holding the boys tight with hugs. My nephew just couldn't understand and it was as if his heart was broken too.

It is evident my nephew holds so much anger towards my mother. As for my own kids, they only have periodic meetings with my mother so it is not so bad - but bad enough. From being a kid worried about my sister I now find myself being worried about her kids. It is difficult talking to my sister about such things because of course it is convenient for her to have our parents around for the childminding. And then there is a part of her that chooses to not take on board the effects on her kids. I've talked to my brother-in-law too. At times both have acknowledged what is going on but they all have coping mechanisms, and things go back to the same, and maybe they will all just cope and get through it.

There are enough people around who can see what is going on. Everyone can see that my mother is just not right although there are plenty of times when she can seem extremely helpful and wonderful and will sit and tell you stories of her own terrible childhood. She is in her mid-sixties but I can't see any signs that she has moved forward and found some resolve or inner peace. She is like a viper. You can be having nice moments and then suddenly she verbally strikes and you are left confused and hurt.

In the car my daughter revealed that she was left thinking she was starting to imagine things, but then admittedly, my daughter does have an imagination for things that haven't really happened! But on this I could assure here she wasn't wrong... it has my mother's mark all over it. Talking of which, there was a point during the last concert when my mother couldn't take the music and left clutching her head in her usual dramatic style. It turned out that both my daughter and I had both simultaneously thought at the time that my mother might throw herself down the stairs of the concert hall in order to get the whole hall to turn their attention on her instead of my brother-in-law on stage!

Even my daughter wants to help and resolve the situation but thankfully she has realised that it is not her job to do so. Sadly this is a lesson I missed out on as a kid growing up and it still sits on my shoulders.

I can be temporarily smug because my daughter is delighted to be home and appreciates us and my son is reinforced that home is best. They are glad to be home and I am very glad to have them both. It is awful that my niece and nephew have this mixed hell and that my mother continues to wreak havoc in this world.

9 Comments:

Cheryl said...

Do they know you know? It must make a world of difference to know they can turn to aunty Doris to moan about their miserable, unfair, batty old gran - I guess saying too much to mum and dad must have an element of guilt involved.
Thank heavens they have you! :-D

Monday, November 07, 2005 12:23:00 PM

MrsDoF said...

I like that phrase "hot-housed" about parents doting on a child's talents. Must be British, I haven't ever come across it before here in the States.

It's nice that all your youngsters recognize you as the anchor of the family. It must be quite your burden to hold, but they will come up stronger for the knowing.

Monday, November 07, 2005 1:03:00 PM

Jo said...

Doris

Poor old you and your kids and your sisters kids. I can relate to some of your story. The word 'viper' is a good description for how my mother can be too. Bitter, widowed and lonely, she attacks first and asks no questions later. She sounds different to your mum because she is socially isolated (through her own behaviour) locked in a time warp of twenty five years ago where the family structure was headed by her and the world revolved around her. She has simply never been able to move on. Myself and my brother are the only people who see her regularly, and wow is this tough sometimes.

Anyway - different to your mum, but maybe equally tricky. The connection perhaps comes in the effect on the children. My children 'know' that Gran can be poisonous. Some years ago she kicked off criticising them. It was part of her attempt to restore the power model that she felt comfortable with - she did it unconsciously but the intent was clear. It's the only way she knows to relate to people in her family (and as far as I can gather she was taught it by her father.)

I simply would NOT have this happen. And I told her so. Not in an angry way - though I was angry often, and hurt and disappointed by her and still am...but in a clear and simple and assertive way. I just said, several times, that it was not appropriate for her to speak to my children like that (or - her other typical behaviour at the time - to have a go about them to me privately as if I was supposed to support her view against theirs). She eventually laid off.

In fact I had to do the very same thing when I first got married, when she tried to impose on my wife her regime of emotional blackmail and vicious words that she's been using with me for years. She is regularly snide and unpleasant about my parents in law (who are by contrast a fairytale grandpa and grandma to my children) - it's a diversionary tactic to try and get at my wife without alerting my 'defences'. I stonewall her on that too.

Critically, I have built an emotional moat between her and my kids. I take it as my job to shield them from her, until she proves to be worthy of their trust. Which isn't ever going to happen now. If she ever tries to 'get at' them, she meets an absolute brick wall from me.

It didn't have to be like that, but she made me choose emotionally between her and my wife and children. I chose my wife and children. I still see her,but I do it through duty and because she is infirm and elderly now. But no easier for it.

Sorry for the ramble...I guess this is just about taking the chance to say 'Enough' to someone who you think might be hurting your children? If you think she is, (and of course you have 'previous' with your mother so you are feeling every remark keenly and personally I bet) you may need to draw a line. And it it is possible to do such things assertively - not in anger, but clearly setting out what is permissable and what is not in how she behaves and how she treats your childen and your sisters' children.

How does your sister deal with her?

Monday, November 07, 2005 6:20:00 PM

jane said...

My gosh, after reading that I am almost speechless. It's so sad what all of you are going thru, what you obviously have had to live with forever & now your niece & nephew now will be raised with this.
Your daughter sounds like a godsend, able to be objective & realize her limits. It's obviously heart-wrenching for you to have to re-live when around your mom.
I'm so happy for your kids that they have a safe & loving home to return to. This brings to life the saying, "There's no place like home."
You're one in a million, Doris

Monday, November 07, 2005 8:45:00 PM

doris said...

Cheryl That's a good point Cheryl. I feel I have tried to indicate to my nephew who is older but am concerned that he will re-write what I have said and throw it back at his Grandma as ammunition! But this last weekend I certainly acknowledged to him that I could see what was going on. I've long had an arrangement with my sis that my kids know that at any time they can talk to her confidentially ... now her kids are older I think it is about time I reciprocated and she told her kids there was a safe other adult they can talk to.

Mrs DoF The Americans have a simialar word but I can't think of it. I almost have the feeling that the whole process of speeding up a child's abilities or "forcibly growing them" is an American thing! In our case, I would say it might have started out as 'doting' but got way out of hand.

Jo You've written in a different voice you know and I love it too! Thank you for your very powerful comment and talking about your situation especially in relation to your kids. I guess I just have to become more assertive with her at some point and then keep that up. I guess it is going to be like jumping off the highest diving board and once I start it will get easier.

But as I said, the complication is any knock-on effects she decides to throw at my sis. As for how my sis deals with her, occasionally there is a mega blow-up of an argument. My sis is then fine, my mother withdraws and then whinges on to me (I try and draw a fine line between allowing her to express herself but not letting her go on snipe attacks at whomever has upset her) and then things eventually get back to how they were. My mother is a lot better than how she was when we were kids but she has this habit of getting out of line.

I rather suspect that another big mega argument is long overdue and that the likelihood is that my sis or her hubby will be the one to do it. That's all very well (so to speak) but doesn't really get at the heart of it and I wonder if that is ever possible.

Funny what you say about your wonderful in-laws.... sounds like my in-laws and they make more wonderful grandparents and are not even blood relatives.

Jane Thanks for your kind words. The upside of times like this is that I get to see and hear a lovely side of my daughter and my daughter appreciates me more! As for my niece and nephew, at least they are not subject to my parents 24/7 so things aren't quite that bad and they have parents who clearly love them and another grandma and uncle who are special and close to them so they hopefully do not feel alone.

Something funny though, my kids and I have always been exceptionally close to them and I'm called Aunty Doris. So when Mr Doris came on the scene they were quite young and still learning their words and so assumed Mr Doris was called Aunty too :-) We have that as a family joke now.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 8:25:00 AM

MattyD said...

the only thing that ever happens to people that perch themselves that high is the inevitable fall. i really hope that if that happens, she doesn't bring anyone else down with her!

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 4:20:00 PM

ella m. said...

I suppose with the drama queen tendencies, nipping the individual incidents in the bud as they happen is out of the question, as she'd just make a larger scene.

A mega blow out would'nt seem to help either, as it's just more of the attention she craves.

It's a tough situation but you all are dealing with more grace than I would. my condolences.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005 4:55:00 PM

mrshellonheels said...

Doris, I really am speechless, for once I dont know what to say. I know for me and my sisters, and brother, we kicked that in the butt as soon as we started to have kids. Each and every one of us let our parents know, its our way or no way. When our children were small they would even have to ask our permission if they could give them candy. We had to be that way, even tho it sounds cold. otherwise, I think we would be dealing with what your going thru now.
I can remember looking my mother straight in the eyes and telling her. Mom you raised your kids, these are MINE. You did things your way, Im doing things MY way.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 6:02:00 AM

doris said...

MattyD I reckon that people like my mother don't fall because they don't see it as a fall. I suppose there is something to be learned there!

Ella M. That's pretty much how I see it. What's more, I don't have to live with it 24/7 so I can just turn my back on it which makes it easier.

Mrs Hell on Heels You have given me some food for thought there. I reckon I shouldn't be quite so complacent about it all!

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 9:12:00 AM

Frustrating teens

Each time I feel I blow it, and just hate it that I lose my temper and don't control myself better. Once my top has blown I know I have lost the argument. Then there are the consequences, this time it was just before dinner.

Having nearly emptied the fridge and store cupboard, to make room for cleaning them and getting in more organic produce, my 16 year old daughter has been complaining there is nothing to eat. I felt I excelled myself this evenng and produced a lovely baked potato meal with assorted fillings in different bowls on the table. Maybe some of them were left over items but presented nicely I thought it looked a feast.

In rounding up everyone I find daughter in the parlour yet again with the main light on rather than the low energy standard lamp. For the past two weeks I have been reminding her particularly to use the low energy lamp rather than the Victorian looking brass chandelier with 5 light bulbs. As we wanted a dimmer switch for ambience we can't have low energy bulbs. How many times do I have to tell her. Tonight I lost it with her obtuseness and ultimate "why did you get that light then?".

Big arguments before dinner are like arguments before going out. There are consequences. Daughter shut herself in the parlour and when I go back to get her for dinner she innocently says "I told you I was coming to dinner but I am busy". When she does come she sits there refusing to eat and says she is waiting to see if she feels hungry enough. After a time she scoops up a plate of food and then zooms off to the parlour with it.

This same room with the chandelier also has £36 per square metre carpet. (Long story for this extravagance.) For ages now I have been insisting no eating in there by the kids and I am left thinking whether I can go tell her not to eat in there or whether she will throw another wobbly and throw the food. It is all so frustrating. Not helped that the first time anything major hit that carpet was me who wildly missed my aim on a glass of red wine and I incredibly flung this red wine in a great sweep across our gold carpet. In front of aforementioned teen. I'm sure she dines out on that.

Dinner is finished. Mr Doris cleans up the dishes and the kids are actually playing and joking with each other in another part of the house and I am still sat at the dining table mulling over my glass of stout. If only I didn't flip and we might have been able to sit round the table enjoying our morsels together. Hey ho.


Original Comments:

Growing Up said...

My kids are the same they never listen to a thing i tell them and it winds me up. It feels like all we ever do is argue. I'm like you sometimes i wish we could sit down at the dinner table and have a nice family meal and just be chilled out.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 7:54:00 PM

momof2 said...

Sometimes you've just got to pick your battles.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005 8:06:00 PM

Astryngia said...

I felt for you still sitting there at the dinner table alone, mulling. I tend to feel ashamed at having 'lost it' over something that ultimately perhaps can be seen as 'just mum' being neurotic over something or other that seems important to me.

But I think we DO have a right to have OUR possessions treated with respect. And you can choose what are your possessions. That room, so nicely decorated is 'your' possession and you want it treated according to your values.

Just wondering if you had a conversation with her about the values you are expressing and the conflicts you have experienced (eg being ecological vs the benefit of a dimmer switch) and the way you have resolved that (so please use the low energy lamp unless using the dimmer)...

Thursday, November 03, 2005 12:56:00 AM

mrshellonheels said...

Doris, Im sorry you had a nasty day. I am so happy that mine are grown although I have less hair and I am no longer sane. I think you handled it perfectly. I would have not been so nice, but maybe thats because I raised 3 boys.

Thursday, November 03, 2005 5:45:00 AM

doris said...

Thanks all!

I guess it is amplified because I am taking an internal dive again so I decided to pink up my blog and am now going to get on with some proper work!

(Oh yes, and the sheer irony of it all regarding my 16 year old.... the night before last I had spent over an hour researching (because her research was cr*p) and finding and beautifully wordprocesing the right Deed Poll text to allow my daughter to drop our family name without any financial cost of using some dubious onlne service. And I don't even get grovelling for an extended period of time.)

Thursday, November 03, 2005 9:51:00 AM

Mary P. said...

I love my kids, and get on very well with them most of the time, but there is no getting around the fact that there is nothing as self-absorbed as a teen (says the mother of two, with a twelve-year-old hard on their heels).

I'll bet she does dine out on your red wine spill, but when I've done similar, I just explain:

"I can take the risk of a spill because I take the responsibility for one. I bought the carpet, I'll pay for the clean-up. Do you plan on paying for the clean-up if you spill?"

Course they don't! They may not be gracious about it, but after a grunt, they slink off to where they should be.

Thursday, November 03, 2005 12:23:00 PM

Cheryl said...

Perhaps all a fancy parlour room needs is a fancy little key? Oh yes, and a fancy neck chain for you, to keep it on.

Maybe its junk food withdrawal, or maybe its something else, but her stropping around is a blatant way to ask you to find out. (Maybe she is going round in internal circles about the name change - had she planned you to be upset instead of helpful?)Otherwise she'd just hate you silently and not let it show!

Good luck
xxx

Thursday, November 03, 2005 12:27:00 PM

Red Mum said...

As momof2 said sometimes you have to choose your battles or it could out and out war constantly. And the only person really suffering is you and Mr Doris.

Friday, November 04, 2005 1:06:00 PM

Ghone said...

Kids eh? What can you do!

Friday, November 04, 2005 1:08:00 PM

Neutron said...

Oh doris! You poor soul...feel for you but/and I think your kids will realise one day what a great mother you are! There is this quote from Oscar Wilde...hang on let me look it up..."Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them" to which I always wanted to add (cos let's face it, what did Oscar bloody Wilde know about having kids) "...and then they have children themselves and understand!"
If it cheers you up someone came to my blog from the following link' on your blog: "porn, teens, big"!!

Thursday, March 30, 2006 12:15:00 AM