New pills new day!

Up before the alarm and raring to go - something must be different. Yesterday I started a prescribed anti-inflammatory for my shoulder pain and this morning, as I write, I am eating and having my third dose. Last night I also made the decision to sleep on the sofa since I am more comfortable there than in bed, and had a better night's sleep. Good job too as I need to be one step ahead of my day rather than chasing my butt.

Interesting thing about the GP yesterday and I am not sure what I think. This particular GP has never seen me before. I was quite succinct in what was wrong, about the osteopath I had seen, the level of movement I have and the pain, my need to continue working as I am self employed, and what my GP boss had suggested about a referral. He prescribed the medication (500 mg Naproxen tqice a day) and I was out that door in about four minutes with the print out. He said any referrals should wait a couple of weeks for these meds to have a go. He did not look at my shoulder or check anything apart from "are you allergic to anything". I have almost never before gone into a surgery looking for a prescription and have never been dealt with so quickly.

At least I only take these twice a day so I can resume my warrior diet. Today I am doing the Fast Diet with a small meal this morning in order to get another dose into me as soon as possible and a small meal later and then onto warrior as soon as possible. Eating lots of food the last couple of months to take the ibuprofen has not been helpful on any level. Two weeks to the day until Christmas and then Boxing Day when I have a fancy dress outfit to fit in.

Feeling sorry for myself

It is past the middle of the night and I have balanced frozen peas and then hot cherry stones on my left shoulder; eaten Weetabix and four ibuprofen; drank a cup of tea; emailed a friend; and checked out a few blogs. Thank goodness I slept for a few hours in the evening.

At 8am I will phone the GP and try to get an emergency appointment for stronger anti-inflammatory and possibly even pain relief for my ongoing shoulder injury. This is what the osteopath had suggested for me last week if conditions worsened in the next seven to 10 days. All seemed to be settling down at first until the searing pain I had on Saturday night and then yesterday at work. Something happened, almost quite comical and a bit of a chain reaction that caused my body to jerk which felt like my shoulder was ripped. I went into immediate spasms and burst into tears in front of a client. So not a nice thing to do at all during the middle of their treatment. What I really wanted to do was to lay on the floor and have a tantrum but that is not my style so I pulled myself together whilst trying to reassure my client who knew nothing about my shoulder injury, and then completed her treatment. Thank goodness another client had re-arranged her appointment at the last minute so I knew I did not have the hours of back to back clients originally scheduled.

I have induction at college this Thursday evening for a course staring in January. For this I need to be fit and have full use of my limbs. I have a client today from midday through to about 7pm; and clients back to back Wednesday from 9am to 1pm...

It is not even as if it is a lot of pain except at those moments of crisis, and assorted other times. I chide myself for making a fuss. I would like a lot more sympathy and consideration but I am not going to get it and a part of me is too strong to accept it anyway. It is funny that I say there is not even that much pain when I lay in bed trying to find a comfortable position for my arm and shoulder and nothing seems to work. Laying on the sofa is surprisingly comfortable and effective. My shoulder hunches in reaction to pain or as a means to somehow protect from further painful episodes and of course, that doesn't help much.

I want to dance freely, and jump and skip and reach out and be happy. At this moment I am finding it very difficult to be in the present and to think these things are here and now. They feel all so mythical and unattainable. Like I said, I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

My 24 year old daughter has this and there is no cure or magic fix for the excess of male hormones the body produces in a woman. Just controlling various aspects of one's life in order to reduce the symptoms, such as keeping weight under control reduces some symptoms. My daughter has severe pain with hers and since she has been regularly going to the gym and managing her weight to next to nothing all those symptoms had disappeared. Today though there has been a flare up (possibly due to being diverted from going to the gym as regularly and some excesses in the past few months) and she is too poorly to go to work which has an impact on me as I then do not have to set out earlier in order to give her that lift.

At work I have clients with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) who come to have their excess hair growth zapped with a laser. There are young girls at the beginning of their life adventures who have to shave their faces daily. To think what that does for their confidence and self esteem to be hiding this abnormal hair growth and coping with stubble. Whilst the medical side can not provide a cure for this syndrome there is something that could be done but isn't being offered and that is IPL laser hair removal. So women are finding the money (because with a good laser it does cost a lot to run) to have this treatment.

Some women with PCOS have terrible period pains to contend with. The medical profession say there is no pain associated with PCOS. I have been with my daughter to a specialist Specialist (sic!) who was contradictory and not helpful in the end. I bet, like the field of migraines, there is still much to be realised. Some women with PCOS have pains and some don't.

Last week I had a client who was telling me how much this IPL treatment had changed her life. This woman is younger than my daughter and since having just a few treatments it is already starting to have an effect in that although she still needs to shave daily it is more like a flick around with the razor. In time she should be able to get away with rarely any shaving and just the occasional maintenance treatment with the IPL. In just a few months she has felt happier about herself and for the first time in her life wants to take care of herself in a really positive way. Without any problem she has shed three stone in weight with more weight to come off and this has had an impact on her PCOS symptoms and reduced them. She is more confident and more outgoing.

Which brings me back to the point about not being a cure or a magic fix. If only the NHS could be less short sighted and offer IPL treatments this is a therapy in itself. The NHS sometimes used to pay for this treatment and in some areas of the country they have their own IPL machines but I gather the waiting lists are massive and their machines not as good.

My field of work as a beauty therapist is life changing and that feels amazing to be part of making a difference to someone's life. I just wish there was something I can do to help take away the pain for my own daughter.

Porridge

Welcome to my porridge made with coconut milk, dried apricots, a pinch of himalayan pink salt and a sprinkle of milled flaxseed, sunflower and pumpkin seeds. It is all gone in my tum tum along with four Ibuprofen which is the whole reason my warrior diet has been temporarily out the window. My shoulder injury warrants anti-inflammatory medication four times a day at quite high doses. Each dose must be accompanied by food otherwise it plays havoc with the stomach. I have fallen off all sorts of wagons and yesterday I vowed to go back to my no sugar/no alcohol diet at least until Christmas. Apart from the exceptions of course such as afternoon tea tomorrow with a friend and the work Christmas do on Saturday.

Deck the halls and Secret Santa

There is something about December beginning on a Sunday as I have never known such a collective of putting up decorations on the same day. Of course we're talking decorations at home as the ones in the shops have been up since October. A few years back they were going up in September and I think the recent financial crisis put a stop or slow down to the obsceneness of that. Very few have the stomach for it too early.

I'm amazed by those I speak to who have all bought and wrapped presents by the end of November. I don't think I could ever get to that level of being organised and in any case, I love the last minute rush around with snow at your feet and being wrapped up warm and the dingle of the bell as you push open the door of the shop. That would be because I try really hard to use my local independent shops which is why my presents are usually very small and not much of flashing the cash.

This year is going to be different still. This weekend my sister's family had the idea of doing a Secret Santa and as my 19 year old son was around there at the time he thought it a good idea and we are making it a collective Secret Santa, including friends who are also joining us over Christmas and Boxing Day. This will mean we are each having one present and one present only to unwrap! The online Secret Santa facility we have joined, so that it is truly a secret as to who has whom to get a gift, has a section where each person can list at least three things they might like so the person getting the gift has a good idea though they do not have to follow it. We've set a top budget of £20. I very much like the idea of reducing the consumerism around Christmas. We'll still be having a special feast and having a lot of togetherness and fun and games.

For now, I've put up a lot of our decorations. I am contending with a shoulder injury that has hung around since September. Just stepping up onto a chair holding some lightweight decorations was enough to send me into palpitations of pain so I have had to take it very carefully. I have still been able to work but just lately I have started to have more twinges. It is my third visit to the osteopath today and I am not sure I am happy with how things are going. Fingers crossed it improves soon.

Clean bill of health

We are lucky in our country in that we can visit our doctors when we are well and they will run basic tests as needed. I'll always remember the sage advice of my lovely mother in law (of course darling Mr Doris has a very lovely mother!) who said to us as we were turning 40 that it was useful to go for a well person check up to get baselines on various stats just in case they were ever needed. We are talking weight, blood pressure, cholesterol etc.

This involves an appointment with a nurse rather than a GP which is fine. A few years back I was feeling very off and peri-menopausal and had another Well Woman check up. At that time they did a test for hormones which they are refusing to do this time as the test is supposedly so unreliable which I'd concur with since I was told I was no where near peri let alone actual menopause and yet here I am possibly well on my way. Menopause is a whole 'nother discussion.

Last week I had the few physical tests with questions and today I have my blood test which required an overnight fast which is no trouble for me. Oh how I dislike having blood taken but then I haven't had any taken since I became a runner and now a gym user. Maybe it will come out easier? I'm off to the gym now and then the blood test at 9am then on with the day.

The results will take about a week to filter back to me. I am hoping that they will let me have the results from the previous time so that I can compare my cholesterol and other levels since I have been mainly on a warrior diet for nearly a year. As well as reassurance that everything is good, it will be a very interesting experience to find out if changes have transpired to the physical level.

Dear Dr Michael Mosley

We are allowed to change our minds and to review and grow as we learn more but please consider how much contradictory information you are prepared to be aligned with in your multitude of TV programmes in the last 18 months alone. When more people realise, this could severely damage any respect one might have had for your name and involvement in projects.

In no particular order there was a programme on eating styles which demonstrated that eating a full and substantial breakfast was essential and beneficial to your day and to your body long term.

There was a programme, followed up by your own co-authored book concerning the Fast Diet, that investigated existing studies in the US regarding modes of fasting. As part of that programme you found that there were demonstrable beneficial effects on the body from fasting such as lowering of cholesterol. (However, I do not understand how the idea of regular fasting somehow was sidelined into the 5:2 diet of eating two smaller meals or grazing during the day as this truly did not put the body into fasting mode which switched it from growth mode to repair mode, thereby repairing cholesterol levels amongst other things.)

And now, that I know of, the latest programme "Trust me I'm a Doctor" interviewed two doctors with opposing views on the use of statins in the relatively healthy which are intended to reduce cholesterol levels and therefore the chance of heart attack. After discussions with both on the various problems or merits of statins, you summarised with your personal view that you would rather take statins than not with just one very brief reference that diet and lifestyle was the alternative to taking statins.

Just like that you completely undermined the role of diet and lifestyle which you had been part of  promoting so loud and proud in the last twelve months. It rather sounded like you have been paid by the drug industry and makes me wonder what you will be paid to say next.

I'll leave that with you to ponder and would welcome any views from anyone on the subject.

Croak and splutter

Here I am, once again, weeks later and still with an impressive cough. My voice croaks but at good times sounds impressively gravelly and sexy. I am taking really good supplements and my diet is not too bad. I drink plenty of fluids. I have dabbled again in hydrogen peroxide therapy but can not seem to get past about five or six drops of the stuff at any one time. Dairy is eliminated from my diet apart from one or two isolated incidents which I will endeavour to also desist from. And I have been back on my warrior diet for over a month now, which is about the body healing itself rather than being just in growth mode. I am writing this down here as an aide memoir.

It seems to me that possibly I seem to have a weakness in my coughing faculties. Or perhaps, it is not a weakness and is a strength? How is that for a positive spin ..... after all, my body is trying to expel whatever it is .... so what am I trying to hold on to? Maybe that is at the heart of it all.

Or maybe instead of having my lifelong monthly migraine blowouts, which I no longer have except on a rare occasion these days, my body has transferred to the cough/cold as its illness of choice? It would be true to recognise that I have had an emotionally battered time during the first months of this year. Coping with a dying friend and even though it is not I that is ill, there is something about life and death which keeps punching you in the gut. Something about the mysteries of life as well as actually seeing someone in difficulty and discomfort.

Sometimes I feel like my shoulders are too tiny to cope with the things I do. Or is that just the little child in me wanting to run away or to have an all powerful parent to come and protect.

At this moment, the sun is shining through the windows straight into my eyes. The windows are already open with the cool fresh air of the morning sweeping through. The house is quiet and son will soon be up to get dressed smartly for work: luckily his journey is only a few minutes and he is on flexi time so he will not be late. I might still go give him a call. Mr Doris goes to bed late so he earns the right to get up late... so it is just me here right now with the lovely breeze, and my cough.

Don't forget the honey, mummy

It is holiday time with a clear run of some days with no work and how I could enjoy the sunny moments in the weather. Walk down to the allotment and till the earth. Continue to declutter my living space which we know is so liberating. Instead, none of that. I have been gripped by my son's cold and cough with sore throat. Dear Mr Doris has also succumbed too and it is all so yucky.

The thing is, I have been in so much pain from it. On Wednesday I was getting through so much fresh lemon and homey I was sure I'd have this beaten. On Thursday I asked Mr Doris to bring more lemons but I forgot to ask for more honey. I do not know what was in my tiny brain cells to suddenly use one whole lemon in a glass with barely a teaspoon of left over honey. Drinking it wasn't entirely pleasant or comforting though it went down. It was the acid reflux a short while later that had me hit the roof and I felt like the back of my throat, already sore and unpleasant was suddenly stripped and burned and still feels that way a couple of days later. So my thought for the week is to always use enough honey with your fresh lemon.

I fell off the bandwagon way back with my hydrogen peroxide therapy and am sure that if I had kept it up I might not have succumbed in the way I have. I feel so fragile I'm not sure I can do anything to get back onto things like that. The thing is, I know my body likes to pack up on occasion and have down time. Especially after the emotional roller coaster of this year so far. I try to keep reassuring myself that I was planning on taking it easy anyway and don't need this cold to make me do that.

In other news, and other important thoughts for the week, if one is planning to Ferry Cross the Mersey and you have very long hair, then leaving it down and free like some artificially remembered childhood is not a good idea. There was a huge matted mess at the nape of my neck and luckily my french pleat style enabled me to straighten out the outside layers so I still looked smart for work and despite efforts with conditioner in the shower and a bath with oils, nothing was giving. The good Mr Doris spent nearly an hour yesterday patiently unpicking the mass. I am pleased to say I am back to being knot free.

Migraine - urgh!

Yesterday was a full blown throw it up migraine. I haven't had one of those in months, possibly a couple of years. Thank goodness it was yesterday and could be fitted in and not today when I am shortly off to work. I wonder if it was all my recent-ish sugar eating escapades catching up with me. I so need to detox all this stuff out of my system. The comfort from eating something is so short lived but time and again I fall into that lack of restraint and the consequences are this.

Yesterday I should have been doing my overdue accounts. One wonders if the migraine also has something to do with it as an avoidance activity. Not good.

On the plus side, washing was done and I am going to complete by putting it away as soon as I hit done on this. I also managed to plough through piles of papers and it is amazing how much of a pile of rubbish the mail inserts and envelopes make. I may leave them in situ until after work as a gold star for what I have managed to do. Tirrah.

Boggy nose experiment

Apparently I have a boggy nose and have since discovered online this is a medically used term. The consultant seems to think that I am allergic to something that I inhale and totally dismissed any theory I had about consuming dairy. He was most insistent .... "how can something you eat affect your nose" he stated.

He is referring me for an allergy test that will not include testing food stuffs; and has prescribed me a steroid nasal spray to use long term, and wants to see me again in three months. The nasal spray is supposed to clear the airways. I am not sure what side effects it would also give me as he was quite blase on that.

I only went back on dairy in the week or so prior to this appointment as my nasal drip symptoms had all cleared up and I wanted something for the consultant to look at on this long awaited appointment. Just one week of dairy. I am back off it now and suspect it will take a bit longer than a week for it all to clear up.

For an experiment, I will keep the prescription I have been given and not purchase the nasal spray so that I can take it back in three months, or whenever the follow-up appointment finally manifests. I will go for the allergy testing appointment when that happens. I will keep off dairy as my line of action and I will see if I still have a "boggy nose" in three months.

At the appointment  I had my hearing tested and that was reassuringly good. I thought it was deteriorating when in fact my daughter just needs to talk a bit louder and clearer and maybe the TV is on quiet. I also do not have any growths or polyps in my airways so nothing of concern. Always a good thing even if I don't agree with the medication prescribed or the less than wholistic approach.

On the road again

That was my first Saturday night sleeping at home for nearly a month. And yet I do not feel any more refreshed for it. Something is up with me but as long as it stays calm and just under the surface I can get on. It could be my little experiment with dairy which I had previously given up for some months and my sinuses had cleared. As I had been slipping off the waggon lately and noticing it the next day after any ingestion; and with my hospital appointment finally coming up this Tuesday coming, I thought I may as well load up on dairy and give them something to look at.

In a while I shall throw on some warm clothes and go and clear the car of all my stuff and clean up the inside a bit. Instead of my usual four hour return trip for the past five weekends to see a dear friend, we have a five hour return trip to see darling Mr Doris' parents. His dad is rapidly ageing and it is good to have some quality time together when we can. Daughter is travelling with us on this one which will be a nice surprise for them. That is if she can get up in time. At least the driving can be shared: I'll enjoy doing the first leg of the trip and Mr Doris will likely do the return when I can do my usual of falling asleep after a lovely long day.

I be tired

Sat here this morning before getting ready for work and I am feeling a tiredness in my shoulders. My eyes feel like they would rather be closed than open and I keep yawning. Still. In a very short while I'll be in the shower, washed and dressed and twisting my hair up into a French pleat and then looking as professional as can be. Sparkling and ready to take on the world for another day.

Almost sticking to the diet

At long last I am nudging down through the nine stone plateau. Each day the weight varies from the start of the day to the end and has a natural bounce as one consumes drink and food and then goes to the loo. For a long while now it has bounced between nine stone one and nine stone four or five, but finally, it is bouncing between eight stone twelve and half and nine stone one.

The warrior diet has much to do with it although I have had a few extravagances what with Christmas and then quite a few long car journeys lately which have involved a fair amount of emotional eating. They may have been balanced with the new adult playground I recently discovered in our local park. There is the toddler playground with wonderful bright equipment; then there is the children's playground with a flying fox (or do they call it a zip wire these days) and a witches hat amongst other exciting equipment. Then past the bowling green and before the free to use basketball and tennis courts are the outdoor adult gym equipment.

A rowing machine and then the skiing machine, a couple of different striders and then a couple of upper body machines where you either push or pull to lift your body weight. The basketball court is a great place to do fast walking round and round the perimeter rather than have to swish by the dog walkers with their dogs taking too great an interest in me. To be fair, the dog walkers are all good and I have not had any trouble from any of the dogs, but fear is fear and I do what I can to avoid a potential situation. It is great when all the dog walkers have gone and I have the park to myself and stride round the park up and down the slopes exercising those muscles.

We are very lucky to have such a well equipped park with more developments in the pipe line. I'd like to attend the Friends of the Park meeting coming up to show my support and appreciation but it is on an evening that I work. I can see that I shall have to find an email address and send my thoughts and apologies. Off to do it now.

Hydrogen Peroxide Therapy

Along with the Warrior / Fast 5 Diet I am also exploring Hydrogen Peroxide, or H2O2. Using food grade 35% H2O2 diluted in distilled water or in freshly squeezed juice.

Yesterday my friend arrived with a bottle decanted from her supply of 35% for me to try. As I squeezed just one drop into a glass of distilled water to try I noticed it was odourless, colourless and tasteless at that dilution. Yet with the small spray bottle of 3% she had made up with distilled water it had fizzed on a tiny cut that she had. Overnight I was wondering if the 35% was just water by mistake. Remembering a youtube video I had watched with a guy demonstrating the effects of 35% H2O2 on the palm of his hand, this morning I squeezed a couple of drops onto the palm with no effect. Hmm I thought. As I did not have any cuts to try it on as H2O2 fizzes on blood I retrieved a bit of the orange skin flesh and squeezed some drops on there to see the effect. At last I started to see some slight fizz.

Somehow though, in the process I had managed to let some H2O2 fall on to the side of my hand near the base of my thumb, or perhaps that is where I opened the bottle.Which I did not realise until I had stood for some seconds peering at the fizzing orange and felt the burning sensation. Oh my word, my skin was turning white and it hurt a bit and I was more than a bit scared. However a couple of minutes under the tap and now twenty minutes later there is nothing to show for the drama.

I had to know and I am glad that happened as a very practical sign of the care one must take with H2O2. Today is my first day taking 3 drops diluted three times a day. Tomorrow it goes up to 4 drops and so forth until day 23 when one gets up to 25 drops and then one comes down again until back at 3 drops for the maintenance dose. I may not get to the top dose as I will follow my instinct but who knows. The purpose is to oxygenate the whole body system from the inside. It is said to cure illnesses and ailments. I am using it as part of my MOT in preparation for my 50th birthday and the next stage of my life.

Warrior Diet

These past couple of months I have been experimenting with fasting. Prior to that I have been experimenting with eating healthier and for over a couple of years I have experimented with a no-added-sugar and no-alcohol diet. The net result is that I have felt good on the whole. I still have my blips such as the other day with one depression after another I couldn't stop eating and wangled a whole cheesecake down my gullet in a 12-hour period plus sundry other items. 

Yesterday I started the Warrior diet. Rather unwisely without any preparation but I felt it was right for me just to jump right on in as that sometimes suits me. In any case, there was one very major hurdle for me to overcome and that was my attitude to breakfast: I love it and feel it is the key to everything yet the Warrior diet consists of no eating or consumption of any calories over a 19 hour period and then to have a five hour window every day, about the same sort of time and preferably in the evening when all food consumption takes place and you eat all that you would normally eat in a day. Therefore, no breakfast if one wants to interpret it that way. I weighed up eating my lovely breakfast on my own to family meals with my beloved and there is no competition.

What is more, when I started yesterday, I had a busy and late day at work knowing that I would have an active work day involving physical work. My previous experiments in fasting days actually meant one had a breakfast and then fasted until the next day apart from a little miso soup. So going without breakfast was new on me and what a revelation. I not only survived, it was actually alright. I managed all my physical work, I didn't feel tired and apart from some prattish thing I was doing much later on (after I had broken my fast at 5.15pm with a breakfast I took in with me to work) was actually quite sharp enough.

After the "breakfast" I was extremely full on the smaller meal in my presumably smaller tum which was a bit worrying by the time I was home and Mr Doris was cooking us a lovely meal and I didn't feel quite so hungry. Nevertheless I ate as it is still very important to have all your calorie intake each day but only within the eating window. And then there is the next key point for me - never to eat late in the evening and here I am doing just that. Throughout the day I drank black tea, green tea or water to keep hydration up.

Day two today and I do not have a late day at work so I can modify my food window to say, from 2pm to 7pm, or 3pm to 8pm. I have quite a bit of running around to do so that will be interesting to see how I manage. This is all experimental. In recent times I have read some ideas about the body going into repair mode during fasting rather than growth mode and that fasting only has to be the equivalent of a good night sleep plus a bit more. There are all sorts of fasting such as IF Intermittent Fasting and Alternate Day Fasting and so forth which I am researching too.

Since I am going to be fifty years old soon, I have been doing all sorts to try and get myself into better shape for the future. Not just physically, but also health wise and mentally. I have no desire to become one of the walking dead, just fitter and healthier. It will be good to see what role this may play.

Migraine history

Owning a Triumph Herald as a family car in the latter part of the 1970s was not glamorous or chic although they are now collectors cars. It was a tiny two door car for our growing family of five, bought very cheaply as our first car in the UK. It was tatty but this is not really about the car but about the people inside and my migraines.

One summer we loaded up the car with two adults and three children ranging from 7 to 15 (with me about 14), the camping gear, and most of the supplies we would need for a week away camping across the country. I was always ever hopeful that maybe this time we would have fun and there would not be any arguments, but still full of trepidation should it go pear-shaped. We finally set off no-one else knowing I had a migraine brewing. There was no point me saying because for years now my mother had lost her patience with my migraines so I tried to put on a happy face and settle back.

The car motion, the lack of oxygen despite the inevitable draughts, the heat and the arguing from my mother did not bode well. After some hours we stopped by the side of the road for a break and my mother, with her "let's pretend we are a jolly and happy family" cracked open the flasks and a tin of cold rice pudding. Mention rice pudding to me now and I love the stuff, especially out of a tin! Back then was another matter. If only I could keep to myself and not eat and drink I felt I could do this journey. Rice pudding on top was an unforeseen nightmare. With my mother you could not refuse. If she said jump then you did so regardless if you were stood next to a cliff. I can not remember if I told her at that point I had a migraine or whether I dared not say.

The cold, wet and slimy rice pudding could not be refused. To refuse was an insult to my mother's happy family mode. So I ate. Trying to shovel the sickly revolting spoonfuls into my mouth and swallow. I must have been ashen and almost green in the face and then the inevitable happened. I threw it all up. We were outside on the road so it did not make a mess of the car or clothes or anything else. My mother shouted and accused me of doing it on purpose. The shouting went on and I still felt very ill, though, as is often the case, I felt slightly better for throwing up. This would not have been a two way conversation, you could never do that with my mother which is a pity as that is just what she needed. No-one dared. Not even my father.

My mother was so angry that I had ruined our family holiday that she ordered us all to pack up, in the car and back home. I was under strict orders not to throw up again despite going back into the motion of the car and the lack of oxygen and the atmosphere you could cut with a knife. That was the end of that particular holiday.

I have had migraines on and off since at least I was four years old though they have developed and changed over the years. Perhaps they were not so bad when I was very little and just meant a few hours out of my life. I remember an aunt giving me crushed ice to swallow when I was about five to help settle my throwing up. I can not remember much about them until about the age of ten or eleven when I was taken to the doctors but there was nothing that was apparently wrong or could be fixed.

There was one time though which I remember clearly and was amazing. My mother was nice to me. She looked after me during a migraine and mopped my brow with a cold cloth. She sent out for expensive pre-cooked chicken to help me back to eating, and also lemon ice lollies to help settle my tummy. By this time the migraine had been raging for two days. She even put me into her bed. She was loving and kind to me. It was amazing and memorable.

The next month I had a huge migraine that was it. The crazy mother was in residence and I was told I was not going to pull a fast one and was abandoned to elsewhere. She was never nice to me again during a migraine. In evaluating my life I sometimes wonder if I had migraines psychologically or sub-consciously on purpose just so that I can get back that nice mother. You see, I neatly blame myself for my migraines.

By this time I was having huge migraines that would last for days and be debilitating. It was often thought that my migraines were tuned into hormones as I would have a big one monthly and then other ones in between and I had that pattern since about 10 or 11. Since I did not start my periods until gone 16 I am not sure that can be entirely valid.

By the age of sixteen, when I had left home, they were worse than ever. Somehow I managed to keep down jobs despite being seriously incapacitated every few weeks. Toilet floors I have known should become a blog post of its own! Then about the age of 17 the visual disturbances ramped up and were so disturbing I took myself to hospital where they were puzzled too and not much help. Back then the visual disturbance part of a migraine was not so widely acknowledged. My vision splits into quarters with the top right and bottom left quarters of each eye blacking out. In order to see I have to move my head. After a two or thee day migraine I think I can physically feel my brain, like a walnut rattling in its shell. After a migraine I feel jubilation and relief that it is over. During, I have sometimes sunk into tears from the pain which never ever helps and only makes it worse. I want to bash my head against a wall and for it all to end. I throw up and I cannot keep anything down. I need to be in the dark and a cold cloth on my brow is essential.

All in all I've not had much from the medical people. Other people go to the docs with a headache and they are referred for brain scans and what I consider to be special consideration. (And quite rightly so.) However, as soon as they hear of my migraine history that is it, end of story. Sometimes I think I am going to die and no-one cares but each time I survive. I have tried out beta blockers and in recent times specialist migraine medications. All to no avail. For a while I had respite with cranial osteopathy and also had exclusion diets. The best medication has been a simple paracetamol taken in the very early stages before I start throwing up. After that nothing would stay down anyway.

I have had an extremely good run on cutting sugar and alcohol out of my diet. I tried it for just a month at first on the advice of a lovely friend and voila. Amazing. Almost no migraines over the year or so I kept to the regime. Since my mother was ill and dying and I was running around I fell off the bandwagon a bit and been on and off ever since. Curiously I have had a lot more headaches and the occasional migraine since.

I'm not a good migraine patient - I've had them for about 45 years! I would like to be cosseted and looked after but in reality I am best being left alone to get on with it. Maybe because that is how I have learnt to adapt. Or it is just me.

The Duvet:Mattress:Husband Ratio

Nothing better than that feeling of lifting the duvet corner with its fullness filling my small hand, stepping into bed and sinking into the deep softness of the in-built mattress topper upon a firm mattress, and snuggling up to a warm and naked Mr Doris. Feels like I am sinking gently, cosseted in warmth and fabric and human touch. Feels safe.

This year has been amazing in some ways as change is good and there have been so many changes. On the other hand, so many tumultuous things have happened and are happening. Storms going on around me in other people's lives that impact me. Life can be so hard and just unfair at times. Bad things happen to good people - where is the karma in that?

A dear friend of many years is ill and after dealing with many difficulties in life is possibly terminal. The doctors have said it is so .... I just don't know how one lives with that knowledge. She is vibrant and very much alive. Who is to say what and how long? It is just not fair.

We started the year looking forward to a potential empty nest. That went pear shaped and moreso, delightfully, daughter has moved into the area and now lives just minutes away. The daughter I had previously shed many tears over on account of our diffcult relationship is amazing and wonderful. Son has changed careers already and now an apprentice will need to live with us another year on account of the economics of it all. At least he is gainfully employed - I'm not sure I could have coped much longer with him hiding out in his room playing games online.

Some aspects of my work are great and some, well, very sad. Mentally and emotionally this year I have been more fragile than ever. Resorting to an antidrepressant for the first time in my life. After 10 weeks and no sign of any benefits I came off them but hey, here's the great stuff - the side effects of coming off are still awful that weeks later I am still feeling it. In the place of drugs there have been some wonderful changes: a free of charge allotment to dig over - nothing like good solid exercise and turning the earth; going back to a no-sugar and no-alcohol diet; other diet improvements; and other exercise improvements. I had the feeling my GP was very impressed though I still have a way to go. Which reminds me, I have had a raft of tests and am still getting some other things sorted out.

Early next year I'll be fifty years old. For that I have vowed to get myself in good condition and sorted out. Despite the financial quagmire we are still in there are many aspects I can already tick off as a result of improvements and efforts this year: dentist - check; lose weight - check; better nutrition - check; exercise - check; wardrobe to be proud of - check; decent shoes - check; and I'm sure a few more. More are in hand such as improving libido!

As for the ratio between Duvet:Mattress:Husband I rather think the ratio is actually between that and the rest of my life. Thank goodness for Mr Doris and our lovely bed. Each time I lift those covers and step in I feel a sense of relief and calmness. An appreciation for the snuggliness of all three and the sanctuary they provide.

Sore throat

After the last post about mental illness it feels like a very long time since I had a physical illness and here I am feeling very sore and poorly with a sore throat. It came on suddenly on Friday night after I had a very long evening doing a party-plan type party at someone's house and suspect that I caught something from one of the models. The product I was demonstrating was skin care so I was working on people's faces.

Yesterday was completely wiped out whilst today is rather busy from early afternoon. I'm going to be like a Japanese tourist and wear a face mask as I have treatments to do that people are wanting and can only fit in today. What I'd rather do is to curl up and not go anywhere today. I think though that I will text each in a while to give them the choice. I know I would rather cancel than risk bringing unnecessary bugs into the house.

On the plus side, yesterday there was one of those 100 best TV programmes during the day which was about Christmas TV moments. Cue the Christmas tree. Ours is a gorgeous pencil slim tree so not too big or heavy but I had to keep stopping to rest my aching arms - and they still ache. It was a rather nice few hours to put that up and looks gorgeous all decorated though it stands alone without any supporting decorations in the room. Not up to those yet.

I have drunken so much herbal tea and regular tea this past day. At least I am well hydrated.

Joy to the World!

The obvious

A person is laying there pretty much comatose, now no longer eating whilst drinking just a little. The diagnosis of the advanced spread of secondary bone disease has been given and yet I still ask if there is any chance of her rallying. Could her symptoms be down to just the medication suppressing her. I half expect her to get up from her bed angry there are all these nursing people in and out the house and start ordering for the place to be cleaned up. It is actually pretty good, my dad has done a good domestic job for the last few years, but old habits die hard. And as I write that saying I wonder if many habits may die now. Maybe I can let go of my negative self-imploding habits.

Today she is to be moved to a hospice "if she is well enough". Apparently it is a possibility that she is actually not well enough to be moved and could die on the way to the hospice on the next street. The ambulance people could refuse to move her! And then it will be just a matter of hours.

Can this be really happening?

The grandchildren have been to say their goodbyes. My daughter has decided to stay and be here. She has been amazing in so many ways considering what we are going through.

Words now seem a bit superficial.