Saturday, 11 March 2006

Getting it off my chest

This post re-published December 2012

It is getting it off my chest time. It is now quarter to three in the morning and I have just completely scrubbed the upstairs bathroom. I've just creamed my hands to try and revive them before moving onto the downstairs bathroom and utility room. We have guests later, one of which has never been before and it will be the grand tour. I'm surprised we've gotten as much done as we have so it isn't much more and anything else can be left. Mr Doris made me rest earlier in the evening and did the parlour after daughter had promised for days she would sort it out but I can see that my touch is needed in there to finish it off.

My eyes are like two piggy poke holes with sore red rims. I feel things too sensitively. I'm far too sensitive to be sticking my neck out this far for my immediate and extended family but for some reason I am driven on. I don't expect to have a trail of fairies and magic dust follow after me as I unite families who have been apart for decades, and I don't even expect everyone to have happy ever afters. I do get thank yous from all and sundry that's for sure but in my eyes that is pretty pointless when there are great swathes of animosity or downright hatred. And then my mother puts me on the spot on the telephone demanding that I be loyal to her and refuse to have anything to do with one particular person. Of course it isn't as simple as that and her arguments are quite compelling in her eyes. When she raised her voice to me on the telephone, but I managed to keep mine down and tell her that this call should end, she seemed to forget she is my guest tomorrow (later on today!). The stupid cow then went into "oh you're so busy you must put your feet up mode" when I know she just wants to stick knives in me but is keeping her options open on a darned good nosh-up at our place.

I don't suppose it is anything personal. I am such an enigma to her. A blinking happy one who makes friends even with family members. Quelle horreur!

Maybe I managed to keep up a front to her on the phone but as soon as the phone went down I swore then burst into tears. Mr Doris tried to calm me and I fell asleep on the sofa and slept it off for a couple of hours. But since I've woken again I am depressed. Then there are other members of the family in almost a love-hate relationship. A lot of the time there is fantastic stuff going on but other times, just enough times, I feel vulnerable. Like as if there are machinations going on behind my back as if people don't believe I can be so altruistic. As if I am waiting for the elderly bachelor uncle to pop his clogs and release his Will. I can see why he disappeared for forty years, I've been thinking that isn't such a bad idea and quite appealing. Let them get on with it. But then I'm feeling depressed and as Scarlet O'Hara says in "Gone with the Wind" ....tomorrow is another day.


doris said...
It has ended up that the only sleep I have had was that nap last night. I just received a bright and breezy email from my mother showering praise upon me for some small other thing and waving tirar until later.

I've been productive and we have the cleanest bathrooms plus I did loads of work - that stuff that pays money. But I am still miserable and upset and liable to hit someone. And I am not even hormonal!

I think I might "resign". I don't need this stress. The superwoman nicks can go back in the case. I've had enough!
jane said...
I think it was in the 90s there was a book about our 'difficult person' in life. It's like a toxic person to us & it sounds like your mom fits that bill.
I know exactly how you feel, I can't put it into words, but I've been on track with things then someone says something rude or hurtful & it's like your spirit has been wounded. How do you fake that everythings okay?
But you've got the heart of a survivor & from what I know of you, the more someone pushes you down, the stronger you'll be when you get up.
I hope you got a rest & ended up having a pleasant evening.
Cheryl said...
This happens to me when my in-laws announce a visit, always last minute. They despise me for smoking and as I am not blood (unlike husband and kids) I get left out of all the photos, the hello & goodbye kisses, the videos. I am dealt with politely enough, but husband's mum was the role model for Mrs Bucket, so I end up up all night getting things respectable, so the rest of the family are bright eyed and bushy tailed while I am red eyed and spend most of the visit voluntarily exiled to the back garden, chain smoking.
On the other hand, I don't have my house used as the ground for delicate peace treaties.
Maybe you are better off, too tired to give a hoot whether they kill each other?
At least its done. Can't wait for you to resurface and let us know if you murdered any of them on the day. I am sure you could have pleaded extreme provocation and got away with it.
Milt Bogs said...
I wouldn't scrub the bathroom in the middle of the night even if the Queen was popping in.
I might scrub it down after she had left.
Mind you, if the Queen pops in you get a special roll of toilet paper with little roses on each sheet, or you used to. They leave what's left, after a lady in waiting has tested it, as a memento.
Badaunt said...
I wish I could feel motivated enough to clean up the house... but not if it means family is coming to visit!

Oh, Doris. Family is HARD.

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