Monday, 18 July 2005

Sweetheart wants a Rolex?

No Cyrus, sweetheart doesn't want a Rolex. Catalpa T. Misguidedly is offering me 'impevord Extra time pills pills' whatever they are meant to be. Tasia Angle writes, 'Diccky Too Small Is Not Ur Fault, While U Can Increase! reticent' and promises to 'Increase the length of your DICCKY by 2-5 full inches' and 'Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder'.

Kaye Bermudez has sent her email early. It should have been sent on 24 October 2035 and assures me can be 'shipped directly to your door' but by then directly to my coffin might be more useful.

I can get via-gra or VI.A.G.R.A or V1@GRA or maybe some V-i-@-g-r-a r. But then maybe I might prefer some V_1_@_G_R_A ---> or Viagra or VlAGGRÁ together with CIALLìS and VÁLLIUM. Is someone telling me something and I am in need of all these 'Giiga Medz' which are all free or at knock-down prices. Perceval Villegas wants me to save 70%, whilst Badness T. Goddard calls me handsome and offers my meds to be 'delivreed anonymously'.

The latest business thing seems to be 'Penny Stox', 'Bottom Line Stox', 'HotShot Stox' or 'MicroCap Stox'. Offered by the likes of Miguel, Brennan, Marquis, Tybalt or Amir. Theodora tells me 'Don't be a fuddy-duddy...use the software everyone's using... ' and Carlo Chelinni tells me to 'Work for UK sitizen'. Woodpile L. Airstrip urges 'For presfosional documetns use preosfsional sfotware'. Quite!

If I'm stuck I could always 'Shhedd Incheezz'. Vexation H. Verbena, Shoplifts Q. Mitigate, Joyriders R. Bogart, and Tessie H. Mopeds couldn't be invented but someone or something has done just that.

I haven't mentioned the lotteries I have won; the many worldwide banks for which I have an account and they need to check my details, Paypal or Ebay too; not to mention the many deceased African dictators whose families are relying on me.

In just over a month I have received over 1,000 items of spam to just a couple of my email accounts. Does anyone really respond to this stuff? Does anyone buy?

Use of the term "spam" was adopted as a result of the Monty Python skit in which our SPAM meat product was featured. In this skit, a group of Vikings sang a chorus of "spam, spam, spam . . . " in an increasing crescendo, drowning out other conversation.

Original Comments:

ella m. said...
Let's not forget those endless paypal/ebay account suspended notices, Free triple xxx asian schoolgirl and vegtable porn and the christian mortgage broker/debt reducer/ miracle cure.
Monday, July 18, 2005 10:45:00 PM
Bernadette said...
Penetrating questions, Doris!

I adore Monty Python and the Spam skit is my absolute favorite!
Monday, July 18, 2005 11:16:00 PM
Chandira said...
That made me laugh so hard.. thanks!!

yeah, junkmail sucks, doesn't it? If you can't laugh..

:-) big grin..
Monday, July 18, 2005 11:18:00 PM
Milt Bogs said...
'Thicken ur DICCKY and make it much fuller & harder.' At your own peril! Gain inches on one line, lose them on the next. 19,149 mails received, 17,142 spam. 89% garbage!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 12:41:00 AM
Chris said...
I read an article that stated that 1 out of 10 respond to spam ads, thus they are still flooding our mailboxes.

Actually, I haven't gotten much spam since moving away from one of the more common internet purveyors and to its sister company.

My email account at work almost never gets any spam. And my yahoo account does a good job filtering. My domain name & email provider also does a good job.

I do have a spam-trap account on yahoo that I use for posting messages to strange groups, etc. It always gets slammed.

Spam will always be here as long as fools keep responding to the Viagra ads.

Deliberate Chaos
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 3:21:00 AM
Mamsbug Speaks said...
Sigh, if it wasn't for spam mail, I would get NO mail LOOOOL
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 5:18:00 AM
Le laquet said...
It is horrendous @ the moment - this morning I have Caleb Carr and his instant University Diplomas managing to get past my message rules!! - a right pain in the rear!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 5:34:00 AM
Red Mum said...
The amount of emails I get asking me do I want to 'increase the size of my manhood' and 'satisfi (with spelling mistakes) your wife' is unbelievable.

I have one account where only spam arrives, I hate to lose it cos its my preferred email address which I havent been able to get anywhere else. But I am going to have to just stop using it as the spam is completely out of control.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 10:37:00 AM
Karen said...
Doris - That has got to be the funniest post I've ever read - LOL - 10/10 for making me fall off my chair laughing.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 12:28:00 PM
thebossman said...
It's those 2 people who keep responding to these spam ads that make our lives miserable!

At work I have a total of 3 spam filers running (one online, one on my PC and Outlook Junk rules). That pretty much filters out everything.

My personal e-mail accounts are all free services (gmail and the like) and they do pretty good, too.

So as you can imagine, my dick is limp, I'm starting to gain some serious weight, my portfolio is shrinking and I'm paying outrageous prices for my prescription meds.

The good news? I'm virtually spam free!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 1:21:00 PM
guest said...
That was so funny!! You really took a lot of time to get those drug spellings didn’t you? Great post.
I’ve never met or heard of anyone who actually responds to spam but there are still enough people out there who do respond to it so the spammers stay in business.

One thing I have heard that is suppose to really drive span forward is:
Forwarded group emails. I don’t know just how it’s supposed to drive the spam industry, but it does. So just to be on the safe side, I no longer respond to those “Send this to 10 of your friends right now or bad luck will befall you” types of email. DELETE.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 4:47:00 PM
MissMeliss said...
You know, I used to find Spam annoying, now I'm pretty amused by it all. I ask the same question you've done: Does anyone really respond?

I really love it, though, when I get offers for penis enlargement and breast enlargement in the same day...clearly someone is confused.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 4:47:00 PM
arrazello said...
I've often wondered the same. Surely, spam, must be the absolute last refuge of the desperate?
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 5:52:00 PM
Alison Ashwell said...
I've had about 15 spam messages toady about donating money to the victims of the London Bombings - a few days after the massive tsunami, the spam nigerian type scams started = i have to assume spammers are sick
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 7:19:00 PM
Ghone said...
Never mind the spam - where's all this 'vegtable porn' that Ella mentioned?
I've gotta get me some of that!!!
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 9:07:00 PM
Chandira said...
Legitimate businesses should take you off their lists, if you click on the 'unsubscribe' button at the bottom then they're legally obliged to do so as far as I know.. jsut don't do that with the dodgier looking ones, as it just verifies you're there to respond, and you'll get more.

At least emails don't waste paper. I hate real (as opposed to virtual) junk mail more for that reason...
Tuesday, July 19, 2005 11:42:00 PM
jane said...
If there were ever a blog entry that should be entered into Battle of the Blogs, THIS IS THE ONE!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 2:59:00 AM
anniebee said...
I love that post! Very funny! Strangely, since I've been with AOL I've had hardly any spam, despite using that email address a lot.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 12:27:00 PM
D0n4 said...
It is pretty important to make a distinction
between spammers (who are deprecable) and scammers (who are very deprecable).
"419 nigerian people", for example, are scammers, thieves and in some rare cases also murderers.
HArd to believe, but there are naive people
believing that someone is giving them
20 millions of dollars. These people get
completely screwed by those scammers.
Just search for <419> in google to check the severity of the situation.
I have answered to one of those mail to understand what was hidden (of course I was pretending to believe everything).
I found no scruples person asking me large amounts of money (and it goes unsaid they received nothing from me)
Sunday, July 24, 2005 6:44:00 AM

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