Steamrollered

It would not be any surprise in the least that I feel like a steam roller has slowly and unhesitatingly continued to mow me down. Not that I feel crushed, more that I can feel the weight of it sitting on my shoulders.

The weight of everything lately has felt enormous and I have tried hard not to feel bowed by it. Seeing a friend through her last months and to her last breath has been quite a journey and now to help organise her funeral and then there is the meeting of all these people I do not know who are going through their own grieving processes. I have already cried much and gone through what I have. In organising the funeral one needs to hold it together and so I wonder if these people who never knew me realise that although I did not seem to cry yesterday, that perhaps I had already done much of that. That I am not cold or heartless. Anyway, that is just an incidental. A curious thought rather than anything else.

Did I say how tired I felt? I suppose it does not help for me to keep saying that or else I'll never stop being tired unless I think more energetic thoughts. I still keep up with all my work and am scraping along where I can. My darling Mr Doris and even son too, were amazing yesterday. So helpful and charming. When guests were leaving I'd hear them specifically call my son by his name and say goodbye. I was very proud of him.

The speeches all went well. Our friend did a lovely introduction, bible reading and prayer. My friend's husband gave the most unexpectedly good welcome and personal tribute. For all his aspergers it was emotive and beautiful and he became slightly emotional. My Eulogy went down well and then my friend's son stood to give his tribute before he pressed the button for the final curtain. That was so beautiful and powerful. He is such a lovely lad and I shall do what I can to be there for him. It seems that he and my son have rekindled their friendship and are planning to meet up next week and then he'll be coming over to us at Easter for a few days.

It all still feels a bit unreal. I need to rest and recover. Yet I continue to move forward. My departed friend would be so proud of some of the work related things I have been doing.