Tuesday, 10 October 2006

Dark black clouds

There are times when they just descend. Sometimes, as if out of nowhere. For a few days I can feel that something is not right but nothing specific and nothing to put my finger on.

Having our car broken into was a nuisance, a pain, really crap, but that wasn't it. Having a son who started the second year of secondary school last week after having a year and a half away being home educated was more worrying. At 9.15am on his first day he is getting a sick note to excuse himself out the lesson. Sometime during the week he was pulled up by staff for not tucking his shirt into his trousers and on the Friday of this short 3.5 day school week he was sent out of class (the first he had attended with this teacher) for laughing. I walked the 2 mile journey (each way) to and from school 3 times with him and his friends to find that the other boys made no pretence of being on best behaviour on my account. The first journey home took us meandering over roads with disregard of traffic; in and out of sweet shops spending on junk that just ended up being thrown around; trespassing across private property which lead to a choice of scaling the 15 foot fence or doing a spiderman and hanging from the fence and edging along the ledge for about 10 yards until one clambered over a mini bridge and around the fence. I climbed the fence (which admittedly utterly impressed my son).

Oh yes, then there was stopping off at the cheap supermarket for four x 2 litre bottles of fizzy drink which they then had wild fun shaking up and smashing on the ground spraying each other in their new clean school uniforms and passers by with with gunk. One kid ran across the busy road to avoid the spray causing a car to brake and beep their horn. In the park a few of the kids have a grudge against the pigeons and armed themselves with stones and pelted the birds.

These are my son's peers. The people most likely to have an influence over him. I'd say this was pretty depressing.

Meanwhile my daughter is living beyond her means and like her brother swans in and out without thought of helping run the community of our house. That's depressing.

But there is something more and unidentifiable. These are the bleak clouds, like acrid smoke from a fire, it curls in slowly and then takes its grip. Throughout the early stages so that one day I am performing OK and being jolly and then the next day it has fully taken hold. Tears keep flowing and I just can't cope. I'm upset and angry but I don't get loud or shouty. Nor have any desire to except in respect of the kids when I fear I would be way out of control so try desperately to say nothing and keep away.

For nearly 24 hours I am oppressed and under. I'm drowning. Mr Doris is there trying to be nice to me but he can't get through. Nothing touches me. I am cold and dispassionate except for the tears. I try to suppress the tears in bed and sob quietly, sometimes making little gasping for air noises.

Then the clouds start to lift. I'm still susceptible to tears. I'm still close to the edge but not quite so precarious now. In hours even I could be back to my good ole jolly reliable self. This has happened on occasions in the past on and off during my life.

Original Comments:

Stegbeetle said...
I hope some ray of sunshine breaks through your dark clouds, Doris.

Hopefully your son will find some less objectionable friends but I'm sure he'll soon get back into the swing of "the school thing" but don't sweat the small stuff - I was always getting pulled up for "shirt not tucked in" as well as "top button not done up".


Tuesday, October 10, 2006 12:40:00 PM
Stegbeetle said...
*apologises for grammatically horrible comment*

I hear the sound of English teachers spinnig in their graves.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 12:41:00 PM

Doris said...
Thanks Steggie I've now had a choccie or two!

About the teachers, I love the idea of these bat caped English teachers with cobwebs hanging from their peaked hats as they "spinnig (sic) in their graves". LOL that right cheered me up :-)

But you know, it is not the small stuff I am worrying about - I'd have thought that in the first he'd have been trying hard to do the right thing by the school. But I live in a world of my own making that doesn't exist. I am more worried about the road dangers.

Still, things are better with him today. It has to get better.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 4:25:00 PM

Doris said...
"I'd have thought that in the first he'd have been trying hard"

should read

"I'd have thought that in the first week he'd have been trying hard"

Tch. More spinnig dost thou teachers do-est ;-)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 4:26:00 PM
Atyllah said...
Doris, dear, the feeling of disempowerment and an inability to control the circumstances around us will reduce anyone, not just you, to a miserable heap.
You poor thing - horrible and worrying to witness all that and feel unable to do anything about it.
You can but hope that everything you've put into your son to date will shine through and he'll find his way through this and make friends who are less intent on needing to prove themselves.
I do hope the dark clouds pass soon and light floods into your life.
Can I send over some sinful Turkish Delight ice-cream - discovered it today, thought I'd died and gone to heaven. (Such a pity I'm dairy intolerant!)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006 7:43:00 PM
Ally said...
I hope you're feeling better - hang in there.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 12:02:00 AM

Doris said...
Thanks Atyllah and Ally

I must be on the mend otherwise I'd not have managed that post yesterday and then after that, actually had a once in a rare blue moon good evening as son worked with me to make dinner (the conversation and the learning of culinary skills was good) and daughter was more communicative at dinner, quite jolly really, and helped clear up afterwards.

Did you know Atyllah that I have a thing for Turkish Delight? And now there is an ice cream!!! OK - must seek it out!

I am concerned about my son's friends and will keep an eye out for which way he goes. My son is a nice kid with a really lovely nature which I hope he can keep some of that for his adult self rather than this testosterone charged aggressive teen.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 7:54:00 AM

Anji said...
I hope you're feeling better as the time passes. I remember olivier going back into school after a 6 month break. I just sat and waited at home until it was time to collect him, feeling sick. It did get better. I'm sure he'll sort some decent friends out "water always finds it's own level"
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 5:20:00 PM

Chandira said...
Aw.. Love.

I know, I get days like that too, it feels like a weight is sitting there in your stomach, and nothing will shift it. It can hit you for no apparent reason sometimes too.

If it gives you any hope, I survived high school, despite being a near alcoholic in my teens, I did survive, and life is good. Mostly. If I can get through that in one piece, I'm sure your son can!!

Let it out though, don't sit on all that emotion. A pillow over the face will cover up most screams.

Good for you, climbing the fence.. lol
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 5:45:00 PM
Carol said...
Gosh, Doris. Hopefully all these things are teething problems that will be ironed out as time passes. Here's hoping. Hugs to you
Wednesday, October 11, 2006 7:54:00 PM
Britmum said...
Doris I can totally relate to how you are feeling in so many ways.

Take care xx
Thursday, October 12, 2006 1:36:00 AM
jane said...
Doris, I'm sorry you've been feeling down. It is very difficult having to let go a bit of our children. Knowing the influence others have on them is a scary thing, especially when the influental ones are deliquents. With grown kids, the best advice I can offer is to keep close to your kids. Kids ALWAYS want boundaries, even though they may say they don't. Boundaries keep them safe.
And your wonderful, wonderful Mr.Doris...he's a gem.
Bless you, friend.
Friday, October 13, 2006 4:40:00 AM

Doris said...
~ Thank you ~
Friday, October 13, 2006 8:03:00 AM

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