Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Message in a bottle

It is hard to feel any optimism, yet optimistic news might be on the horizon. It might all work out jolly well actually, but I don't feel like that and find it hard to summon up any enthusiasm. Just in case it falls through, and just because it might not happen I must try to hold tight.

Holding tight these days means hiding away. Curled up and hidden in my bed alternating between tears, blankness and tapping away at my Nintendo brain training "germ buster" game. Like a helpless vegetable on the chopping board knowing that once upon a time I grew vigourously and fought back. My fight seems to have gotten up and walked off leaving me shockingly bitter and sour on the inside and I don't like this person. Not one bit. But in a contradiction, I know this isn't really me and some very tiny, far off voice inside me is shouting help, let me out.

On the outside, very few people know all this, but increasingly my friends are finding out - because I am talking more - and they have been magnificent throwing me lifelines. This year has been extraordinary on the friends front so the one thing I don't feel is alone. But this is still my life and despite a wonderful husband and friends I have this path to tread, but my feet just don't seem to be working.

Chastising myself and trying to get things into perspective has only contributed to the darkness. I feel enough guilt without adding more to the mix. "For God's sake, pull yourself together" I tell myself to little physical effect.

In early August my mother was showing strong intentions to blog therefore I felt an obviously stronger need to withdraw mine from eyesight. The whole world might be blogging but life is stranger than fiction and coincidences happen and she might just come across mine and recognise this or that. As it happens, I don't think she has taken forward blogging after all!

In mid August depression gripped so tight that after a weekend of tears I resolved to do something. On the Monday I went out to job agencies and by the Thursday I had started a temp job as a medical secretary in the oncology department of the local hospital. So maybe I might have fibbed about the extent of my experience as an audio typist but that did tickle me that I could go out and get a job and push the boundaries a tad. The pay is little above the minimum UK wage, but it is a regular 25 hours of work/income each week. Even through my depressions I continued to work, letting my hair fall over my eyes on those days the tears would not stop. I am still there and the work itself is a blog by itself.

Since that time I have also been plotting my morning temperature and my depressions and anything else of note. I had thought my monthly cycle had become irregular but so far it seems not, though the frequency of my severe one day depressions have been alarming, but they have actually been better of late. No surprise to know that I am writing this through one at present.

Currently 14 year old son has measles which I have been helping to nurse him through. He is having a rough time especially now with the itchyness of the rash. I never knew measles could be so itchy but it is like his skin is crawling and alive. I have tried various alternative aids but today Mr Doris has bought some Piriton so we will see if that eases and whether a better night sleep can be had by all.

Outside the leaves are creating rich blankets and as I passed through them earlier today I thought about a year ago when I didn't expect we would still be living here for another Autumn. That makes over 18 months our house has been on the market and we have slashed the price down to give it away but still nowt. Over a year my son has lived weekdays at my sister to go to school near her and comes home for the weekends. What was originally a six week exercise has pushed us beyond anything. I am not being physically beaten like as a child and yet I am not sure I have ever felt quite so cowed. My chest has sunken in and my right shoulder has dropped putting stress on the wrong muscles leading to a frozen shoulder. I have been in a lot of pain and my movements have been restricted. I sit typing at work wincing at times with discomfort. But no-one there knows, and the bigger picture is that the income, no matter how small, has been regular and well needed. I could, and should, be doing bigger and better things but I am unable.

Something so heavy is sitting on me and holding me back for something. Or, in my dark hours I ponder that I am done with and my life and usefulness is over.

Actually, my arm is on the mend. As is my belief in myself. The wonders of kinsesiology and the support of lovely friends hold me through. We might be renting our house instead of selling. An option I once dismissed might now turn out to be a viable and excellent way forward. This could even mean us moving before Christmas, maybe even in as little as three weeks! Then we can be together as a family. Finally landed. Starting afresh. I can't quite believe it will happen and that scares me.

Thank you dear kind blog friends for reading my message in a bottle!


Anji said...

You've been through the mill this last few months. I hope you can find someone who will rent your house.

I don't think I could bare my youngest to live away from home. I'm sure you'll all be together soon.

Look after yourself

Thursday said...

Kinesiology is a wondrous thing as is a good osteopath. Your life is far, far from done but you have every right to withdraw from anything unnecessary to get through this low although basic routines, such as a job you can clearly do well, are good thing to keep up. Cook and bake, which I understand you do splendidly, to remind yourself of the heartiness of life - eat well, sleep well. I remember very well the itchiness of measles which travelled round my skin in a fascinating but weird kind of way. Calamine lotion worked well I recall - I remember very well the cooling effect of this pale liquid.

Doris said...

The separation is so much harder, maybe becuase the circustances are not perefect. We are very lucky that family have been wonderful but it has put a strain on the relationship between the young cousins so that something that had once been the most special relationship ever has been battered. I am sure they can recover from that and strengthen but it will take time and us being in our own home. And because I am worrying about everyone it doesn't help me. A second viewing today for the house rental, followed by a viewing from a buyer so if that wasn't enough to make people pull their finger out and make decisions and get paperwork done I am not sure!

Thanks for your encouraging response. That is a curious thing, I haven't cooked and baked much at all these last months, though I have done the occasional nice meal. And getting me to talk about it reminds me that I made a wicked lamb and cous cous dish for my daughter's birthday..... I haven't taken photos of food in ages! And as for son's measles, they are looking much clearer this morning though just a bit itchy now. And he (we) slept well last night!

Last night I went to bed not long after 9pm and slept through to just now - 7.15am! I'd like to be bright eyed and bushy tailed, I'm not, but today I feel could get there.

Josephine said...

You are so often my bright eyed and bushy tailed friend, someone I look to and rely on for solace and strength - and you deliver it so reliably Doris. Your life is far from over, you have heights to ascend yet...I promise.

The last few months have been hard and draining, a kind of insidious neither-here-nor-there kind of place that just saps your energy. No wonder things have been so grey, and you have been running on empty.

"This too will pass" said the Saint. I should tell myself it too...but it is true.

And darling...time for therapy? Yes you're talking, opening up...perhaps some time spent with a decent therapist could help give some shape and meaning to it all, and help you move on? Talking is good...but productive talking is best. I know cash is tight...therapists start at about c£40 a session. What do you think?

alan said...

So happy to find words from you again!

May all your plans and dreams come true!

Part of my trying to get things into shape here has to do with "getting out" when the market "comes back"...

Measles were something my sister and I went through rounds of; back then the only relief was Calamine lotion, and it wasn't much. I'm glad you've found something that helps!


Doris said...

Awwww. You know, it is a strange thing that I can find that energy for my friends and others but for me it is woefully lacking. As for the therapy I really don't feel inclined to find the money for it just now. Every penny will be needed for the move and getting set up. However, I am already getting therapy via friends ;-) And, just today a parcel from my girlfriend in Germany with besides treats and relaxing bath salts, also an alternative remedy that she has used this year for back pain and which I am more than happy to try out and that I feel optimistic about. I've been reading scientific papers about it and it seems that the active ingredients also have some effect as an antidepressant which is rather welcome!

Lets hope the markets find their way back up before too long. Or in our case that people can find the wherewithall to buy now, even at our incredibly rock bottom price. Take care Alan and I hope you are feeling brighter yourself.

Debbie K said...

You poor love. I have been thinking about you, wondering how you are doing. I hardly know you, yet you touched my heart when I needed it most. I am so sorry you have been going through such a difficult time. You are such a kind, warm giving person. Life can be so unfair. I hope & pray that all who have been so privileged to come into contact with you, are sending you their love & support. You so deserve to be happy, you give so much to your family & friends. Family is so important. I hope yours can soon be united again under one roof. A home is just a house, a hollow materialistic shell, without family & friends to share it. Without your health you have nothing. With each day that passes I hope you emerge from the shadow of depression, into the light.
God bless you & your family.
Lots of love

Doris said...

Debbie K
I may not have responded sooner, but I have pondered on what you have said. Thank you. xx

Jay said...

I'm glad you're opening up to your real friends and allowing them to help you through this. It's what friends are for, and they will want to do this.

Do whatever you can each day. Just small achievements can count for so much at times like this. And remember, there are people who love you.

Gosh, measles at fourteen is no joke! Poor guy. I bet he does itch!

Chandira said...


it's ok, we all go through dark times in our lives, you're not worse than anybody for being dpressed right now. I went through several years of something similar in my early 20s, when I should have been out enjoying life, getting a degree, whatever, I stayed in bed for 2 years, sicker than a dog, and giving up hope.
But, it does get better. Everything changes. Change is the only thing you can rely on in life, and yours will change for the better too.

I know that to be true. It's plain old physics, and statistics. You're due that pendulum swing that will put you on your feet again, that's just the way the world works.