Saturday

   Six am

                               Silent

                  Singular

                                       Satisfactory

Gobsmacking

Since my mother died in May my life is beginning to read like a fantasy. Unbelievable and fantastical. In my last post I wrote about "the" amazing new job and my upcoming journey to Thailand. So I started my new job and then jetted off to Thailand with my dear friend and saw her through another painful and difficult set of operations that were ultimately very successful. It was a privilege to be there and to really help though it was exhausting. I returned looking forward to my new job and developing my own business.

Within a few days of arriving back my name had been put forward for another job and if I had thought the other job was amazing this one turns out to be stellar. A part of me was terrified thinking who am I to even think I could dare to do it. Wondering if it went pear-shaped it would be down to my incompetence. On the other hand, a part of me thought "why not me". That actually I could be great for this job. And I get to get a salary that would make a difference to our lives.

So I said "yes". And I am doing amazing. It is a new business with big plans for the future. I am to help set it up and get it running and once I (yes, me!) have staff in place (under me!) then to go help set up the next branch. And then the next branch after that. A simple salary for now, increasing a bit in January, a pension plan and a car next year ..... whose life is this?

Something in me has shifted. Something in me says yes, I can do it for me. Something in me is not so scared of being successful, of earning some money. Something in me knows she can do it - at least most of the time. I'm still a bit scared, though less scared than I have ever been. I speak up and speak confidently from within. It feels like me. It sounds like me. I'm not having to pretend.

Doris Day is on Channel 4 in the background and her 70s fashions are just gob-smackingly distracting that I am not sure I can follow my thoughts any more. In some scenes she looks like something off a knitting pattern and the rest are a document to the outrageous or appalling 70s. Such bright lemon yellows. And thick striped blusher like a third degree burn!

Talking of fashions, thanks to my local dress agency I have a whole new fabulous wardrobe worthy of my new job. It is a joy to open my wardrobe doors and decide what to wear that day. All at a snip. Pay day has not yet arrived and I am already feeling it and feeling good. The old poverty mentality seems to have melted away.

There is a lot of work. I am working very hard and also having to up some of my qualifications with some sharpish distance learning. Let no-one ever say this is easy, or I have had it easy. On the other hard there is a flow and it is flowing smoothly. Like a dream. I almost can not wait for the next episode of my own life.

Here's to sharing the love. And luck.

New beginnings

That last post, written on that Saturday, reflected where I was at on my career front. It was upbeat and hopeful and positive. Within 24 hours of writing it - yes, on the Sunday - I received an email out of the blue offering me a part time job with benefits. The benefits were the training being offered and this training was what I was hoping to do after I completed another year at college. Thereby short-circuiting the year of college. The job offer was coming from the work placement I did a matter of weeks previously so I knew full well what the deal entailed and as I sat there during my work placement I had said to myself "I'd love to have a part time job like this" and then thought no more of it!

The negotiations have progressed and I do my first bit of training tomorrow. By September when I would have been starting college I'll already be a practitioner of IPL hair removal, thread vein and pigmentation removal. Building up the priceless experience. Then there is other training I will be doing which will involve electrical facials and could involve laser work. I'm especially wanted for my writing and grammar skills so will have a sideline in helping them with their marketing and newsletters. I love it when a job is so multi-faceted. Barely minimum wage mind you and that is how it is in this day and age. In this case the benefits make it worth so much. A whole new and perfect beginning that I could not have predicted when I wrote that last post.

In other news in my exciting life, I shall be off to Thailand on Tuesday for two weeks with one of my closest friends. To hold her hand during a very special time. It is an honour to be there for her during a time of new beginnings. I feel like a mother hen with my little one and want her to be safe and happy and for everything to go smoothly, which I am sure it will. I have no doubt she is in good hands and that she will cope better with the anaesthetics though I can not help also seeing myself in tears. Tears of happiness and joy and that feeling of wanting to burst with the enormity of it all. Oh yes, this is quite significant for me too and it is not even my life.

When I'm there I'm hoping to get a few massages done. Purely in the interests of research don't you know? Learn a few new moves whilst experiencing it myself. I fancy some leg and foot massage, head massage, back massage ..... just for starters. Maybe I can get some threading done too so I think I will save the few stray hairs in my brows for then. I've messed around with threading, learning it on Youtube, and I could do with experiencing it in the hands of someone who knows what they are doing. The other thing is that I am going to travel light so I have room to buy some cool cotton clothes to use whilst I am there and to bring them home. The exchange rate is very curious and to our advantage. For example, a 90 minute intensive spa like full body massage is in the region of £14. I think back to the Thai women I have known who have left families behind and come to work in this country in order to send money back and I wondered how it was possible to earn enough to buy a property at home whilst still living in our expensive land and that is why. Money is on a completely different dimension out there. And so too, I would expect, is the poverty out there.

It will be a very interesting journey. The last time I was in this part of the world was when I lived in Singapore as a small child when my father was in the navy. Coincidently about the same time my friend was also in the area with her father who was in the army. We may have even been to the same Combined-Services swimming pool at the same time - we could have even played together as playmates. On Tuesday we travel out to Thailand together and I bet it will be fun at times too.

"But" count = 2 found and exterminated!

That lovely feeling of confidence

This time in two weeks I will have completed my one year beauty course. I did it. Put in the time and the energy and on the verge of completing, even though I shall be up to the line with the required assessments. It has been a mostly fabulous experience: nearly fifty years old and going back into a college environment with all the students and most of the tutors much younger. We have been a great group which has bonded well, been enthusiastic and worked our butts off. There have, however, been times when it has been extremely tedious and I have seriously wondered the merits of why I am doing this and what are the gains. Especially when I am repeating over a year most of what I had learned on very short and sharp courses it has sometimes seemed a time occupier that has kept me away from developing my co-existing beauty business and actually earning a decent income.

Now that I have also passed the entrance exam and been offered a place on the next level beauty course I am questioning the merits of another year at college. With a timetable that occupies more of a week I wonder if the end qualification is worth the time and investment involved. The pros and cons have been looked at and darling Mr Doris has been helpful in the discussions. Son even offered up his thoughts on the matter and really embraced the idea of his mother asking for his opinions. In the midst of discussions, an unofficial offer of a small financial present that would cover the enrolment and kit fees, or even towards expenses already incurred, came through. Is this the universe saying, "do it"?

This time next year I'd be completing that course and one thing I know I will have, is that delicious feeling of confidence in myself and my profession. Something that has been missing for so long. I remember it in my early twenties when I was a bit of a chef or a caterer. I just knew my stuff and that was all there was to it. Not a cocky arrogance, just a lovely feeling. I also had it when I worked with children. After two years of study and apprenticeship followed by some years experience I had that feeling of confidence in myself. Ever since I seem to have felt on the edge, not quite in control nor ever feeling quite so confident in me. I've walked the walk and talked the talk and generally given others the feeling I am very confident whilst inside was scared and barely holding on at times.

Already, in my new profession, I am feeling stronger and more confident and can see that growing even more. Whilst I might question the viability of taking out another year at college, and keeping business development on hold, I can not underestimate the gains to be made for my inner sense of peace and confidence.

"But" count = 0 found and none exterminated!

Counselling Treasures

These are from yesterday's session and if I don't write them down I may be scratching my head trying to remember them and at this stage I think they are well worth remembering or giving a try. And in no particular order:

• Time in itself is not the healer and you do need time. It is barely three weeks since the funeral and I seem to be expecting everything to be fixed and Rome to have been built, interior designed, decorated and fully functioning. Der!
• Change the "but" to "and". The subject of "but" came up in terms of negating or undermining, and I reflected how I had recently noticed I used "but" far too often in my writings. It was suggested I just simply change the "but" to "and" and see what happens.
• It takes four positives to counter-act each negative. I sort of knew that as an idea and not as a specific calculation and somehow that makes it workable. It accounts for so much now in the way I still find it hard to accept positives about myself because I am still in deficit. This gives me hope as I know the power balance WILL shift.
• It is a jigsaw I am still trying to work out or make some sense and that is OK. The glorious picture show I have created (not yet mentioned here on the blog) is of the wonderful, perfect mother I wanted, and that we all want and there is nothing wrong in that. The picture show is like the finished picture on the jigsaw box and I have still to sort out the pieces. And that is OK too.
• A person who had such a big impact in life will continue to have a big impact in death. At least for a while longer.
• Perhaps the things that are failing in my life are because I shouldn't be doing them in that way. Instead of beating myself up about my failings, acknowledge it is just not the way for me. Modern life is so stressful and we think we must do it this way and maybe there are different ways that are better for each of us.

We still talked a great deal about death; how the mind and the body are considered differently when they are interrelated; and quite a bit more. It was a good hour and I am back again next week on a weekly cycle for the moment.

"But" count = 3 found and exterminated!