Dreamtime reunion

It was a traffic jam of the total gridlock variety and we were trying to get to a special event though I am not sure what. Phone calls were going back and forth about our delay and then we were walking and came upon a crescent of grand terrace buildings one of which someone had recently (in my dream?) been telling me they could buy for £275 grand. More like millions it should have been. It was a hotel and we went through the main entrance and cheekily used the toilets whilst we could see crowds queueing to get into the loos at the back of the building.

Next thing I was aware of was my dad who was part of our party. He had secretly been in touch with my big sister (who in real life we have no contact) and said that she was happy to meet up with my mother - her mother. The person who the whole family rift was about. My mother was part of this group of us but she did not yet know this news. I could not believe it and felt that perhaps big sis was being pressurised, after all, historically she had done nothing wrong.

Next to appear to be part of our party was my little sis as a young teenager from decades ago. Somehow, she and I nipped off to find big sis and to double check before things got out of hand. Along the way I asked little sis "you do know who we are going to see?" and she seemed not to know it was our big sister which I thought a little strange she did not know. In real life she does know though of course my little sis already has a big sis in me so the importance of a bis sis is more mine.

Amazingly we located big sis and she gingerly started speaking to us. She invited us into her house. It was talking and no grand reunions. As we talked I was talking to a big sis who looked like the image of the little girl in a small picture compact that my mother used to have and used as a tool to reveal to my brother and myself, when I was 8, that we had a big sister in another country living with her mother. I've written before about the joy I felt in discovering I had a big sister and that I wasn't just stuck with a violent and cruel older brother (who in his adult life has apologised to me and been a sweetie). It was significant to my life knowing she was there and yet she was just a photo.

As big sis and I talked, little sis became like a toddler and messed around with big sister's things. At one point I took a Chinese calligraphy brush out of her hand and held it up to her face and explained how special it was and not to touch anything else. Big sister was quite laid back but there was no interaction between the two. In real life, my little sis is not bothered at all about our big sis and never sought her out. I have at various times in our lives and then the relationship did not sustain. Partly I think I was too over eager like a puppy so thrilled to even be in her company. Understandably her feelings were not reciprocated as she probably just wanted to know who her parents were. My mother was this exotic creature apparently touring the world with my dad in the navy and having other children she kept. The identity of her birth father was always withheld by my mother and woven in lies when anything was said. In real life I finally managed to tell big sis the harsh reality of our exotic life overseas.

In the dream big sis is talking about agreeing to meet up with our mum. I am suggesting we meet in a nice local place for coffee and keep it short and sweet. She immediately thinks it ok to have mother over to her place for coffee which I strongly disagree with. At some point there are dinner plates on the table and we have been laughing and catching up. At another point I am looking at big sis as the young girl from the picture and she morphs into the older woman that she is. Then I realise our mother is dead (died nearly three years ago) what are we doing. Like a movie, my vision pans over the dinner table and then I wake up. Very awake and confused and sad.

It is what it is. In real life my big sis was informed of my mother's death by an aunt. My big sis did not contact me but I am not upset by that. We have not had contact for about ten years now though I may have sent a few Christmas cards way back. Last Saturday when I did my little Christmas card thing I did send her one. Not my usual flowery over the top sentimental stuff but a simple message. Sent without any expectation. She will have received it by now - assuming she is at the same address - but that thought hadn't crossed my mind until this morning.

Tears almost flow. The sadness is overwhelming. And now the ridiculous hope that maybe big sister might respond to my card. A wish that I really have to let go because this is about a mythical big sister, a hero from my childhood that kept me going (along with my gorgeous little sister) when times were incredibly rough. An aunt, who is actually kindly, once snapped that my mother had no right to tell me big sis was my sister since she was adopted by my grandmother. The first time I heard another aunt whom I had reunited with my big sis introduce big sis to a friend as "her" sister was one of the first spears through my private balloon of joy. Big sis has her own issues and her own joys in life. I am just not part of it. Now I am crying.