It was a traffic jam of the total gridlock variety and we were trying to get to a special event though I am not sure what. Phone calls were going back and forth about our delay and then we were walking and came upon a crescent of grand terrace buildings one of which someone had recently (in my dream?) been telling me they could buy for £275 grand. More like millions it should have been. It was a hotel and we went through the main entrance and cheekily used the toilets whilst we could see crowds queueing to get into the loos at the back of the building.
Next thing I was aware of was my dad who was part of our party. He had secretly been in touch with my big sister (who in real life we have no contact) and said that she was happy to meet up with my mother - her mother. The person who the whole family rift was about. My mother was part of this group of us but she did not yet know this news. I could not believe it and felt that perhaps big sis was being pressurised, after all, historically she had done nothing wrong.
Next to appear to be part of our party was my little sis as a young teenager from decades ago. Somehow, she and I nipped off to find big sis and to double check before things got out of hand. Along the way I asked little sis "you do know who we are going to see?" and she seemed not to know it was our big sister which I thought a little strange she did not know. In real life she does know though of course my little sis already has a big sis in me so the importance of a bis sis is more mine.
Amazingly we located big sis and she gingerly started speaking to us. She invited us into her house. It was talking and no grand reunions. As we talked I was talking to a big sis who looked like the image of the little girl in a small picture compact that my mother used to have and used as a tool to reveal to my brother and myself, when I was 8, that we had a big sister in another country living with her mother. I've written before about the joy I felt in discovering I had a big sister and that I wasn't just stuck with a violent and cruel older brother (who in his adult life has apologised to me and been a sweetie). It was significant to my life knowing she was there and yet she was just a photo.
As big sis and I talked, little sis became like a toddler and messed around with big sister's things. At one point I took a Chinese calligraphy brush out of her hand and held it up to her face and explained how special it was and not to touch anything else. Big sister was quite laid back but there was no interaction between the two. In real life, my little sis is not bothered at all about our big sis and never sought her out. I have at various times in our lives and then the relationship did not sustain. Partly I think I was too over eager like a puppy so thrilled to even be in her company. Understandably her feelings were not reciprocated as she probably just wanted to know who her parents were. My mother was this exotic creature apparently touring the world with my dad in the navy and having other children she kept. The identity of her birth father was always withheld by my mother and woven in lies when anything was said. In real life I finally managed to tell big sis the harsh reality of our exotic life overseas.
In the dream big sis is talking about agreeing to meet up with our mum. I am suggesting we meet in a nice local place for coffee and keep it short and sweet. She immediately thinks it ok to have mother over to her place for coffee which I strongly disagree with. At some point there are dinner plates on the table and we have been laughing and catching up. At another point I am looking at big sis as the young girl from the picture and she morphs into the older woman that she is. Then I realise our mother is dead (died nearly three years ago) what are we doing. Like a movie, my vision pans over the dinner table and then I wake up. Very awake and confused and sad.
It is what it is. In real life my big sis was informed of my mother's death by an aunt. My big sis did not contact me but I am not upset by that. We have not had contact for about ten years now though I may have sent a few Christmas cards way back. Last Saturday when I did my little Christmas card thing I did send her one. Not my usual flowery over the top sentimental stuff but a simple message. Sent without any expectation. She will have received it by now - assuming she is at the same address - but that thought hadn't crossed my mind until this morning.
Tears almost flow. The sadness is overwhelming. And now the ridiculous hope that maybe big sister might respond to my card. A wish that I really have to let go because this is about a mythical big sister, a hero from my childhood that kept me going (along with my gorgeous little sister) when times were incredibly rough. An aunt, who is actually kindly, once snapped that my mother had no right to tell me big sis was my sister since she was adopted by my grandmother. The first time I heard another aunt whom I had reunited with my big sis introduce big sis to a friend as "her" sister was one of the first spears through my private balloon of joy. Big sis has her own issues and her own joys in life. I am just not part of it. Now I am crying.
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dream. Show all posts
Friday, 20 December 2013
Saturday, 2 November 2013
New Leaf November
It is Autumn though really Winter is beckoning and yet I feel like it is a Spring time in my life. Two full years of accounts have been done and submitted to the accountant with the current year almost up to date to the day. The meeting with the accountant was amazing as she declared part way through the two hour number fest, "Do you notice I am not letting you go? We are going to get this done now so that when you go home you can put those papers away and never look at them again." I burst into tears in response to her gentleness and kindness! Admittedly I had also been awake since 3am getting papers sorted and had been on some very nervous energy. In less than a week that little miracle took place and it has transformed and uplifted me. I vow never again to get into that state. Never.
Our main kitchen and dining area with the new dresser of china continues to look fabulous and is looked after and kept clear. Today I go to the china man in the market where I have ordered a 3 litre china jug to use as a vase and six matching mugs to hang on the up-to-now empty hooks of the dresser with a pattern that I am hoping will complement the existing china. He has promised I can take them all back if it doesn't work. The living area now needs the discarded piles of papers from sorting my finances to be sorted and shredded or dumped. In my targets this weekend is our bedroom though to look at the state it is in and that it is all my stuff creating that mess no wonder I usually call it "my" bedroom. Darling Mr Doris is so patient and kind about it all and does not give me grief just excuses such as how busy I am. And indeed I am. Yesterday I took my daughter to work in the wrong direction to work; worked back to back from 9am to 3pm and then home and then out again to a nail client and did both feet and hands and then home again to change for yoga at 6.30 from which I finally returned at 8pm. No wonder I flake out at the end of the day.
Last Friday I started my first week of a free trial gym membership. It is five minutes walk away and gives me access to the swimming pool and all the classes as well as the gym. Whilst I may have been working hard on getting my accounts together in this last week, progress in life continued and I managed four trips to the gym and two yoga classes! Yesterday I committed to the one year membership as they had a very special deal on and is the best value of just £25 a month with nothing to pay until January. As long as I can manage to get nearly a month's worth of membership each week I'll be very happy indeed. It gets me off the cold, wet and dark streets and actually working on my core strength as well as running. I have discovered I love the rowing machines. My left arm and shoulder have been giving my a severe problem for weeks and weeks now and is only slowly improving. I'm hoping a gentle work out will help it recover better.
Shall I mention the nightmare that woke me up this morning? Something that counterbalances all the good stuff happening. It featured my mother. It was in younger days and she was in full form shouting and screaming and upset by a current friend of mine who I like and admire in real life and yet is such an unassuming and apparently quietish sort. Something had transpired in the dream and my mother and her had an interaction in which my friend had innocently repeated some of the things I had said about her. In life my mother never ever liked to hear good about anyone else. I suppose it is as if it took away from my mother. Anyway, in this dream I am going between the two camps trying to placate and calm. The difference being that I confronted my mother. I shouted at her and told her to stop and that what I thought about my friend had nothing to do with her. In the past I may have told white lies to smooth things over, this time I didn't. It was a hard and aggressive dream. The good thing is that I spoke up and responded to my mother. There was no happy ever after and it was all very difficult and nothing quite resolved. It is what it is and I am not sure there ever will be an easy answer or explanation for my mother and me and why it all happened in my life.
I am fifty years old and here I am still living the nightmares of my youth. Thankfully these are only infrequent occasions and becoming rarer. Yesterday with joining the gym I was thinking maybe with my fitness I can live to a hundred and then I will have had over fifty years without my mother in this world. Maybe the dream was in response to that "evil" thought! That is the flip side to where I am at with the new chapter in my life and feeling good about it and the positive changes.
If the rain is really not bad after all then the allotment may also get a look in from me today. Either way I am off to the gym shortly for a good workout. I still can not believe this is me. Fully paid up gym member with her accounts up to date and a beautiful home emerging, doing a great job with her very happy clients. Frivolously buying a china jug and matching mugs that she chose herself. I want to grin but I also want to cry. In real life I smile a lot which I know is infectious, and underneath, sometimes, is such a level of pain and anxiety and tears that I share only here.
Our main kitchen and dining area with the new dresser of china continues to look fabulous and is looked after and kept clear. Today I go to the china man in the market where I have ordered a 3 litre china jug to use as a vase and six matching mugs to hang on the up-to-now empty hooks of the dresser with a pattern that I am hoping will complement the existing china. He has promised I can take them all back if it doesn't work. The living area now needs the discarded piles of papers from sorting my finances to be sorted and shredded or dumped. In my targets this weekend is our bedroom though to look at the state it is in and that it is all my stuff creating that mess no wonder I usually call it "my" bedroom. Darling Mr Doris is so patient and kind about it all and does not give me grief just excuses such as how busy I am. And indeed I am. Yesterday I took my daughter to work in the wrong direction to work; worked back to back from 9am to 3pm and then home and then out again to a nail client and did both feet and hands and then home again to change for yoga at 6.30 from which I finally returned at 8pm. No wonder I flake out at the end of the day.
Last Friday I started my first week of a free trial gym membership. It is five minutes walk away and gives me access to the swimming pool and all the classes as well as the gym. Whilst I may have been working hard on getting my accounts together in this last week, progress in life continued and I managed four trips to the gym and two yoga classes! Yesterday I committed to the one year membership as they had a very special deal on and is the best value of just £25 a month with nothing to pay until January. As long as I can manage to get nearly a month's worth of membership each week I'll be very happy indeed. It gets me off the cold, wet and dark streets and actually working on my core strength as well as running. I have discovered I love the rowing machines. My left arm and shoulder have been giving my a severe problem for weeks and weeks now and is only slowly improving. I'm hoping a gentle work out will help it recover better.
Shall I mention the nightmare that woke me up this morning? Something that counterbalances all the good stuff happening. It featured my mother. It was in younger days and she was in full form shouting and screaming and upset by a current friend of mine who I like and admire in real life and yet is such an unassuming and apparently quietish sort. Something had transpired in the dream and my mother and her had an interaction in which my friend had innocently repeated some of the things I had said about her. In life my mother never ever liked to hear good about anyone else. I suppose it is as if it took away from my mother. Anyway, in this dream I am going between the two camps trying to placate and calm. The difference being that I confronted my mother. I shouted at her and told her to stop and that what I thought about my friend had nothing to do with her. In the past I may have told white lies to smooth things over, this time I didn't. It was a hard and aggressive dream. The good thing is that I spoke up and responded to my mother. There was no happy ever after and it was all very difficult and nothing quite resolved. It is what it is and I am not sure there ever will be an easy answer or explanation for my mother and me and why it all happened in my life.
I am fifty years old and here I am still living the nightmares of my youth. Thankfully these are only infrequent occasions and becoming rarer. Yesterday with joining the gym I was thinking maybe with my fitness I can live to a hundred and then I will have had over fifty years without my mother in this world. Maybe the dream was in response to that "evil" thought! That is the flip side to where I am at with the new chapter in my life and feeling good about it and the positive changes.
If the rain is really not bad after all then the allotment may also get a look in from me today. Either way I am off to the gym shortly for a good workout. I still can not believe this is me. Fully paid up gym member with her accounts up to date and a beautiful home emerging, doing a great job with her very happy clients. Frivolously buying a china jug and matching mugs that she chose herself. I want to grin but I also want to cry. In real life I smile a lot which I know is infectious, and underneath, sometimes, is such a level of pain and anxiety and tears that I share only here.
Monday, 29 July 2013
Frogs, creativity, holidays and living
Before July flies away a little guest visit is in order with a quick update. Going backwards from this point, I started eating frogs on Thursday with a great audio book. All the usual stuff one really does know that resonates at this point in time. Something that I am implementing at a point when I was pulling my finger out any way. Amazingly, I have just found it on youtube and if I am correct then it can be listened to here though I had mine from audible playing to me direct from my phone.
My lovely Mr Doris and I have been on holiday and had a road trip across Germany - I love driving and can now say I have driven through Berlin and across Germany. Visiting special friends and just being.
The bread making continues interleaved with running. I can now say I am a runner and running six or seven km in one go is no problem. Remembering that just a matter of weeks ago I could not run and had no stamina. My thighs are developing nicely thank you.
Often on my mind is my friend who passed away at the end of February. The impact hits me again and again at any point in a day. In some aspects of my life I have been in a state of suspension since then unable to move. Strange how that can co-exist with all my other activity.
Coming back to the frogs, I am working on eating them, one at a time. Starting with our income and empire building once again - this time with specified goals written down. Other goals include living and loving and being happy. Extending my creativity to painting and yesterday coincidentally I met a couple of women who only started painting in their 60s and 70s - so one is never too old. First though, are the finances and some single minded determination.
My lovely Mr Doris and I have been on holiday and had a road trip across Germany - I love driving and can now say I have driven through Berlin and across Germany. Visiting special friends and just being.
The bread making continues interleaved with running. I can now say I am a runner and running six or seven km in one go is no problem. Remembering that just a matter of weeks ago I could not run and had no stamina. My thighs are developing nicely thank you.
Often on my mind is my friend who passed away at the end of February. The impact hits me again and again at any point in a day. In some aspects of my life I have been in a state of suspension since then unable to move. Strange how that can co-exist with all my other activity.
Coming back to the frogs, I am working on eating them, one at a time. Starting with our income and empire building once again - this time with specified goals written down. Other goals include living and loving and being happy. Extending my creativity to painting and yesterday coincidentally I met a couple of women who only started painting in their 60s and 70s - so one is never too old. First though, are the finances and some single minded determination.
Saturday, 23 March 2013
Restless
Still doing it: early hours; late nights. Waking like it is time to get up when there are many more hours that could be threaded onto a night's sleep. Let me go. Let me sleep. In my dreams I am on a rope trying to climb a building with a very small child with the brisk wind blowing us off course and threatening our lives. Again and again I keep trying to climb the outside of the building in these treacherous conditions as if my life depends on it. Something is telling me not to worry about the child because the child knows how to do it. I am dangling on a rope. It is hard to let the child go. Somehow I know the child can do a better job than I but I want to protect. The building is unclimbed. The struggle continues and I awake.
Thursday, 31 January 2013
Thai massage followed by a facial
It all started yesterday afternoon with my usual call home after work to find out my dad was round having a cuppa. I was en-route from work to check out a newly opened supermarket so I asked if my dad would stay for dinner to which he said yes. On entry to the supermarket I was handed money saving vouchers and headed round for a quick mooch. Whole sea bass were on special offer - a fish I had never tried in my life but one so often raved about by others.
Ideas were formulating and within minutes and a few more phone calls all the family could be available, but only early as there were trains to be caught and rehearsals to go to, and we had ourselves an impromptu celebration dinner. Even though we are debt-free I am still cautious until we know just where we are, and in any case I like cooking and know I can do a decent job.
With the special offer coupons and some frugal shopping between the new supermarket and Lidl we had a three course dinner including a whole sea bass per person with an array of vegetables, a starter of ready made Asian chicken strips on a bed of leaves, two of the premium ready-made desserts from the freezer, two bottles of pink bubbly and a large box of Thornton chocolates. All for forty one pounds which is less than five pounds per head for nine people!
In addition, at home we had the makings of hollandaise sauce: unsalted butter, eggs, lemons and literally a dash of cayenne pepper. I've never made it before and used the blender method and oh my goodness how perfect is it?! Very rich, creamy and an absolute delight on the sea bass (and steamed vegetables) which had been oven baked with garlic and herbs. I can see why people rave about it now. Serving the fish whole with their heads and tails was a step too far for the youngest as it was not a sanitised form of meat. I kept the few fish left-overs for something nice today with left over hollandaise sauce.
It was one of those impromptu evenings that was great and despite the comings and goings went on late. I did a fashion show of the lovely clothes I had bought with my birthday money with all the females in my family jokingly spitting dust that most items were size 8. Despite Christmas and extravaganzas like last night I have continued to slowly drop weight on my warrior or Fast 5 diet. Funny how the media is now alive with the Fast Diet but I have to say I am wedded to my version as I'd rather not eat for most of the day every day than have to eat reduced calorie meals twice a day for two times a week.
In dreamland, just before waking this morning, I had been directed upstairs in an unknown establishment and was heading to the room where I was due to have a Thai massage followed by a facial. In the dream I was really looking forward to this treat and with the vividness of my dreams am sure I would have really enjoyed the benefits in my waking life too. Alas I woke up, without alarm or prompt and just could not get back to that delicious moment. Bugger!
Ideas were formulating and within minutes and a few more phone calls all the family could be available, but only early as there were trains to be caught and rehearsals to go to, and we had ourselves an impromptu celebration dinner. Even though we are debt-free I am still cautious until we know just where we are, and in any case I like cooking and know I can do a decent job.
With the special offer coupons and some frugal shopping between the new supermarket and Lidl we had a three course dinner including a whole sea bass per person with an array of vegetables, a starter of ready made Asian chicken strips on a bed of leaves, two of the premium ready-made desserts from the freezer, two bottles of pink bubbly and a large box of Thornton chocolates. All for forty one pounds which is less than five pounds per head for nine people!
In addition, at home we had the makings of hollandaise sauce: unsalted butter, eggs, lemons and literally a dash of cayenne pepper. I've never made it before and used the blender method and oh my goodness how perfect is it?! Very rich, creamy and an absolute delight on the sea bass (and steamed vegetables) which had been oven baked with garlic and herbs. I can see why people rave about it now. Serving the fish whole with their heads and tails was a step too far for the youngest as it was not a sanitised form of meat. I kept the few fish left-overs for something nice today with left over hollandaise sauce.
It was one of those impromptu evenings that was great and despite the comings and goings went on late. I did a fashion show of the lovely clothes I had bought with my birthday money with all the females in my family jokingly spitting dust that most items were size 8. Despite Christmas and extravaganzas like last night I have continued to slowly drop weight on my warrior or Fast 5 diet. Funny how the media is now alive with the Fast Diet but I have to say I am wedded to my version as I'd rather not eat for most of the day every day than have to eat reduced calorie meals twice a day for two times a week.
In dreamland, just before waking this morning, I had been directed upstairs in an unknown establishment and was heading to the room where I was due to have a Thai massage followed by a facial. In the dream I was really looking forward to this treat and with the vividness of my dreams am sure I would have really enjoyed the benefits in my waking life too. Alas I woke up, without alarm or prompt and just could not get back to that delicious moment. Bugger!
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Custard kisses
This is a very hot topic for me right now as it happened, just a short while ago. In my sleep! I am more Prince Charle's age and grew up in Australia lusting after him as the desirable prince who would sweep me off my feet. As I have gotten older I find I have gotten pervier and look at much younger men in a sinful way because of course I am still only a teen or my early twenties inside my head. Prince Charles holds nothing for me now, however his oldest son is a confection.
A group of us were on a visit somewhere. This included the darling Mr Doris. Prince William was saying hello to various people and he came up to me. Still sitting (I am so not a Royalist even in my dreams!) I smiled and held my hand up to shake hands and say hello. He took my hand, turned it over so that he gently but firmly held my fingers with the back of my hand towards him, at the same time he swept down onto his knees and with his other hand cupped my hand, he looked deep into my eyes holding my gaze, said something like "Hello my dear" as if he was so delighted to see me especially and then kissed my hand. That was it, a short sweet moment in time. He stood up and went to say hello to someone else. His wife was also there and saying hello to people too.
In the next moment my head slunk into Mr Doris' lap and I pulled the paper programme over my face to block out the world, the event and any more of Prince William. It was a perfect and beautiful moment in time to treasure. It was lovely to snuggle into the warmth of Mr Doris' lap. I could overhear someone saying this was a normal reaction to Prince William and someone else saying he knows what he is doing. I didn't care, it was lovely. After a while I passed into a short, deep sleep and then awoke to see the others were being given a lesson by Prince William on making custard in a tin mug. Everyone was stirring their own mugs of almost gruel like custard. I'm not sure what I thought of the thin, lumpy custard or how he had become a celebrity chef type person.
As I awoke a short while ago, I was snuggled up to Mr Doris' back and smiling. A lovely start to December.
Tuesday, 29 January 2008
Alternative Counselling
Another strange dream. This time it was after 5.15am this morning and before 7.47am when I awoke again.
As per usual, it was a rather involved dream until we get to this stage. A woman, who seems to be my mother in real life but wasn't exactly, was trying to find me a counsellor. The issues I had were somehow acceptable to her but she didn't quite realise they were to do with my childhood with her.
We had been up and down the promenade (not a Blackpool type promenade but one in a hot country with big wide avenues) checking out various people and finally came across someone who seemed OK to me and was available. The woman (mother?) settled down outside quite happily with our bags of stuff and seemingly encouraged I had found someone who could help.
Once inside the therapist was most interesting. The same person but at times a man and at times a woman! As a man he was extremely handsome. And as a woman I'd say she had similar looks to me but it wasn't me (though of course sub-consciously perhaps she was me.)
At first he was a man and sat on a wheelie office chair and as he talked, he wheeled his chair so close to me as I sat on a ledge or perch just under/by the stairs. (I am not actually under the stairs.) Anyway, he is so close our bodies are not only touching they are scrunched together, that he actually lifts one of my legs over his lap to make it more comfortable for me. (This is not an overtly sexual dream!)
We talk about how I feel about him being so physically close and I tell him that I don't mind; that it is different and that it is rather pleasant with him but might not be with someone else. At first I am a little embarrassed wondering if anyone else can see this carry-on, especially the woman (mother?) waiting outside. And then I start to ask him how he feels and does he do this often to his clients, whilst wondering to myself if he would do this if I was some elderly woman. He tells me that he is particularly enjoying it with me but yes, he does it with his other clients. In his words though, he made it seem like it was extra good with me! [Ahhh, is this an ego I see before me?!]
That questioning of mine goes on a little while with me following up what he is saying and apparently counselling him. I then realise this and realise I am paying to give him counselling so begin to stop that line of discussion.
He gets up to walk about the room and he is now a woman as she talks and then stops talking. I am aware of her walking up a few steps behind me and then silence. I think she is waiting for me to speak but somewhere between that thought and the next I have drifted off into a wonderful and restful sleep. [That I reckon I feel rested from in real life.] The next thing I am aware is that the woman says "And you?" or something like that. Suddenly disturbed I turn around to find that it was a ploy of hers to get me to talk but I had fallen asleep instead. She says that she had let me sleep as I needed it as much as I needed the counselling. I find that I have slept, according to the Therapist's clock, for forty five minutes. I am shocked that so much of my session was wasted and was a bit worried what the woman outside (mother?) would say if she knew.
But it was bang, straight into counselling again. The Therapist said she noticed as she had moved around the room to do things that I was always aware of her presence and I came out with an interesting theory that I was connected to everyone by an umbilical cord. I added that I thought perhaps it was time for me to cut some (or was it all?) of the umbilical cords and to let go. To not worry about others so much. In the dream, and the counselling session, I was aware that I had grown up children and that somehow an umbilical cord to them wasn't so bad; so it wasn't all bad.
Next thing, we are outside and the woman counsellor is offering me treats from the ice-cream van. At first I say "no" and then, with the help of some small children around, I am persuaded. She then ups the ante and offers me more which I again refuse out of politeness, and again I am persuaded to change my mind. It felt like she was giving me a second childhood full of giving and treats and abundance.
At this point I wake up at 7.47am about to cough and splutter.
************************************************************************
I have the yuckiest cold ever. Yesterday I was out in a large chemist buying more supplies when I looked down to find a large runny snot trail down my shirt. How that got there I do not know, but I know I am currently a mess. On the other hand, I am not all ill, and am reading a brilliant book about riches and abundance. And there are some really good things happening and I am feeling optimistic.
Yesterday (in real life) I saw the most gorgeous tea cups and saucers that I want for our new house. The had bright pastel colours, were from the Johnson Brothers brand, and had a bright cupcake on each side of the bone china cup. They made me smile. It is not often I see something and truly want it, but I want those. There was no pattern name on the cup or saucer and the staff looked too young to even ask and I do have a stinking cold. So I came home and googled (and Yahooed) for them to no avail. I even phoned up the china manufacturers and they don't recognise the pattern. It could have been a special edition for Dunelm stores so I need to go back there and ask them. But why were these gorgeous creations slung up on the top shelf in amongst everything else? They deserved a display all of their own. Anyway, I want to know what else is in the range .... such a tea set would be outrageously gorgeous for me - and I can see myself enjoying tea from it with friends. And I have just the perfect tea to brew up in a pot to drink from these exquisite cups.
As per usual, it was a rather involved dream until we get to this stage. A woman, who seems to be my mother in real life but wasn't exactly, was trying to find me a counsellor. The issues I had were somehow acceptable to her but she didn't quite realise they were to do with my childhood with her.
We had been up and down the promenade (not a Blackpool type promenade but one in a hot country with big wide avenues) checking out various people and finally came across someone who seemed OK to me and was available. The woman (mother?) settled down outside quite happily with our bags of stuff and seemingly encouraged I had found someone who could help.
Once inside the therapist was most interesting. The same person but at times a man and at times a woman! As a man he was extremely handsome. And as a woman I'd say she had similar looks to me but it wasn't me (though of course sub-consciously perhaps she was me.)
At first he was a man and sat on a wheelie office chair and as he talked, he wheeled his chair so close to me as I sat on a ledge or perch just under/by the stairs. (I am not actually under the stairs.) Anyway, he is so close our bodies are not only touching they are scrunched together, that he actually lifts one of my legs over his lap to make it more comfortable for me. (This is not an overtly sexual dream!)
We talk about how I feel about him being so physically close and I tell him that I don't mind; that it is different and that it is rather pleasant with him but might not be with someone else. At first I am a little embarrassed wondering if anyone else can see this carry-on, especially the woman (mother?) waiting outside. And then I start to ask him how he feels and does he do this often to his clients, whilst wondering to myself if he would do this if I was some elderly woman. He tells me that he is particularly enjoying it with me but yes, he does it with his other clients. In his words though, he made it seem like it was extra good with me! [Ahhh, is this an ego I see before me?!]
That questioning of mine goes on a little while with me following up what he is saying and apparently counselling him. I then realise this and realise I am paying to give him counselling so begin to stop that line of discussion.
He gets up to walk about the room and he is now a woman as she talks and then stops talking. I am aware of her walking up a few steps behind me and then silence. I think she is waiting for me to speak but somewhere between that thought and the next I have drifted off into a wonderful and restful sleep. [That I reckon I feel rested from in real life.] The next thing I am aware is that the woman says "And you?" or something like that. Suddenly disturbed I turn around to find that it was a ploy of hers to get me to talk but I had fallen asleep instead. She says that she had let me sleep as I needed it as much as I needed the counselling. I find that I have slept, according to the Therapist's clock, for forty five minutes. I am shocked that so much of my session was wasted and was a bit worried what the woman outside (mother?) would say if she knew.
But it was bang, straight into counselling again. The Therapist said she noticed as she had moved around the room to do things that I was always aware of her presence and I came out with an interesting theory that I was connected to everyone by an umbilical cord. I added that I thought perhaps it was time for me to cut some (or was it all?) of the umbilical cords and to let go. To not worry about others so much. In the dream, and the counselling session, I was aware that I had grown up children and that somehow an umbilical cord to them wasn't so bad; so it wasn't all bad.
Next thing, we are outside and the woman counsellor is offering me treats from the ice-cream van. At first I say "no" and then, with the help of some small children around, I am persuaded. She then ups the ante and offers me more which I again refuse out of politeness, and again I am persuaded to change my mind. It felt like she was giving me a second childhood full of giving and treats and abundance.
At this point I wake up at 7.47am about to cough and splutter.
************************************************************************
I have the yuckiest cold ever. Yesterday I was out in a large chemist buying more supplies when I looked down to find a large runny snot trail down my shirt. How that got there I do not know, but I know I am currently a mess. On the other hand, I am not all ill, and am reading a brilliant book about riches and abundance. And there are some really good things happening and I am feeling optimistic.
Yesterday (in real life) I saw the most gorgeous tea cups and saucers that I want for our new house. The had bright pastel colours, were from the Johnson Brothers brand, and had a bright cupcake on each side of the bone china cup. They made me smile. It is not often I see something and truly want it, but I want those. There was no pattern name on the cup or saucer and the staff looked too young to even ask and I do have a stinking cold. So I came home and googled (and Yahooed) for them to no avail. I even phoned up the china manufacturers and they don't recognise the pattern. It could have been a special edition for Dunelm stores so I need to go back there and ask them. But why were these gorgeous creations slung up on the top shelf in amongst everything else? They deserved a display all of their own. Anyway, I want to know what else is in the range .... such a tea set would be outrageously gorgeous for me - and I can see myself enjoying tea from it with friends. And I have just the perfect tea to brew up in a pot to drink from these exquisite cups.
Wednesday, 19 October 2005
Beyond Reality
All my life I have led a double life. There is the one during the day and quite another at night during my sleep. So much so, that there have been times I have been so exhausted by my nocturnal activities when instead I should have been getting a refreshing night's sleep.
There are times when I have tried to dive into my dream world, feeling sure that it was an alternative reality and not just a collection of symbols. To an extent, despite the tiredness, I have held tight to this alternative world and refused to let it go even though it is often a reality filled with fear.
I also sleep talk, sleep walk and have night terrors. The last few years these have been a lot less, maybe because I am finally calming down in some ways. My sleep talking is rarely understandable and when it is, it is usually nonsense. But sometimes I will shout.
Sleep walking is now confined to moving around in my bedroom. Sometimes in terror because I can see imaginary spiders or the entire ceiling is covered in spiders webs; or maybe there is a spider or insects or small mammals in bed with us. In the early days I think Mr Doris was a little alarmed and then bemused by it all but these days he is quite blase and will happily sleep through it and let me get on with it but when I get back into bed his warm arms cuddle me.
In the earlier days of our relationship I took to "rescuing him". Much to his surprise I would physically pull him out of bed to protect him from the ceiling that was about to fall in or the such like. I still occasionally whisk him out of bed in the dark of the night but at least it is less so now. And he is surprisingly obliging and doesn't get upset with me!
And then there are the night terrors and I'd hold the classic "night terrors" pose with one arm up in the air in protection and giving a silent scream but in my head it is loud. These usually result in me switching on the light although I am still asleep.
Worst of all happens only about once a year now and I think is something altogether different and is to do with my childhood memories. It always involves my mother and I end up sobbing so much with huge tears. I'd wake from the fear of my mother and shake and cry so much. Mr Doris always holds onto me tenderly. Next morning I'd have big red puffy eyes but otherwise I'd be OK.
With a few exceptions, my dreamworld up until recently has been mainly about being chased or being on the run. Always running, looking, trying to find but never finding nor knowing what it was all supposed to be about. It is strange to think that I held onto this alternative reality, but I did because there would be some very odd times that were almost priceless.
As a child I slept walked into other rooms which appeared very different. We lived high up in a modern tower block but the room I'd see would have old oak panelling and a secret door. Another time I tried to go into the secret room - but it was my parents' bedroom and the next morning my mother accused me of being a pervert. After that I kept a massive weight behind my bedroom door so I couldn't get out in my sleep.
Other times I've had weird and amazing adventures. On a few rare occasions I have had answers to problems in my dreams and acted upon them. I'm sure I dream in colour. My sleep walking/terror visions are so vivid they have to be real and for a while it really is until I either 'remember' it is just a dream and come to, or just wake up.
These days instead of thinking there is a parallel universe I'm more inclined to think it has a lot to do with my brain chemicals that create these delusions. I wonder also if this is what schizophrenic people experience but their alternative reality lasts for much longer. At least I snap out of it before too long.
It is a puzzling and curious experience. Even though I experience them night after night for every night of my life so far there is something mysterious and amazing about them. However, I'm ready to let this dreamworld go and would like to get night after night of restful sleep. Let me sleep. Please.
Scot has been discussing My Pygmalion Dreams
Original Comments:
There are times when I have tried to dive into my dream world, feeling sure that it was an alternative reality and not just a collection of symbols. To an extent, despite the tiredness, I have held tight to this alternative world and refused to let it go even though it is often a reality filled with fear.
I also sleep talk, sleep walk and have night terrors. The last few years these have been a lot less, maybe because I am finally calming down in some ways. My sleep talking is rarely understandable and when it is, it is usually nonsense. But sometimes I will shout.
Sleep walking is now confined to moving around in my bedroom. Sometimes in terror because I can see imaginary spiders or the entire ceiling is covered in spiders webs; or maybe there is a spider or insects or small mammals in bed with us. In the early days I think Mr Doris was a little alarmed and then bemused by it all but these days he is quite blase and will happily sleep through it and let me get on with it but when I get back into bed his warm arms cuddle me.
In the earlier days of our relationship I took to "rescuing him". Much to his surprise I would physically pull him out of bed to protect him from the ceiling that was about to fall in or the such like. I still occasionally whisk him out of bed in the dark of the night but at least it is less so now. And he is surprisingly obliging and doesn't get upset with me!
And then there are the night terrors and I'd hold the classic "night terrors" pose with one arm up in the air in protection and giving a silent scream but in my head it is loud. These usually result in me switching on the light although I am still asleep.
Worst of all happens only about once a year now and I think is something altogether different and is to do with my childhood memories. It always involves my mother and I end up sobbing so much with huge tears. I'd wake from the fear of my mother and shake and cry so much. Mr Doris always holds onto me tenderly. Next morning I'd have big red puffy eyes but otherwise I'd be OK.
With a few exceptions, my dreamworld up until recently has been mainly about being chased or being on the run. Always running, looking, trying to find but never finding nor knowing what it was all supposed to be about. It is strange to think that I held onto this alternative reality, but I did because there would be some very odd times that were almost priceless.
As a child I slept walked into other rooms which appeared very different. We lived high up in a modern tower block but the room I'd see would have old oak panelling and a secret door. Another time I tried to go into the secret room - but it was my parents' bedroom and the next morning my mother accused me of being a pervert. After that I kept a massive weight behind my bedroom door so I couldn't get out in my sleep.
Other times I've had weird and amazing adventures. On a few rare occasions I have had answers to problems in my dreams and acted upon them. I'm sure I dream in colour. My sleep walking/terror visions are so vivid they have to be real and for a while it really is until I either 'remember' it is just a dream and come to, or just wake up.
These days instead of thinking there is a parallel universe I'm more inclined to think it has a lot to do with my brain chemicals that create these delusions. I wonder also if this is what schizophrenic people experience but their alternative reality lasts for much longer. At least I snap out of it before too long.
It is a puzzling and curious experience. Even though I experience them night after night for every night of my life so far there is something mysterious and amazing about them. However, I'm ready to let this dreamworld go and would like to get night after night of restful sleep. Let me sleep. Please.
Scot has been discussing My Pygmalion Dreams
Original Comments:
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Got me thinking about my own dreams and nightmares, what a weird concept eh? I started to tell my reccuring dream here in the comments but it was getting longer and longer so it is now a post on my blog.
I still think dreams are a form of alternative reality. Have you ever experienced lucid dreaming?
If I'd grown up with someone treating me like a pest all my life, I think most of my dreams might be to do with murder instead.
In fact thats probably where you are lucky - you may feel chased by all these horrible accusations, but you never gave into them and became them.
And theres a difference between exploring and claiming, if that makes sense.
Hope you dont mind me saying.
"lucid dreaming" is where you become aware during your dream that you are dreaming? Then yes I have, and I have tried to re-write my dreams to get a better ending but I can only go so far, but I have managed to replay the endings in order to try and get a better ending.
z It's great that your son is through the night terrors. It must be scary as a parent to know that your child is suffering like that.
On the funny side, in our house both my kids also sleep talk at times and some nights the house is positively alive with chattering which Mr Doris - the only one doesn't sleep talk thinks is quite funny!
I just found some dreams I had typed up and might, for my own benefit, assemble these and sometime type up a few others I have, and pop them in a separate blog. Eeh gad, start one blog and end up making a dozen!
Hell on Heels In these written up dreams I just found from 2002 I'm talking about the tiredness then too!
Astryngia LOL I'm glad that I have written a few of them up because even I can't believe them.
It would seem that the two of us have really developed a topic that fellow bloggers can relate to as evidenced by the comments you and I have both received to our posts. Unlike my post, however, you explore your dream states in much larger detail than I do mine. As such, you have me curious as to just what kind of dreams I have, and what purpose they may really serve. Since my last post, I've been making it a habit when I wake up to reflect on any dreams I may have had during the night, and to write them down. With some dreams, you just can't make the stuff up. I don't know who writes the scripts, but a few I've had beats theater of the absurd. Anyway, enjoyed this post. Thanks for the link back to mine . . .
Scot
I'm so glad to see you round again :-)