Anyone would have thought I was excitedly looking forward to Christmas! Not that I am excited in the very least but in the way I sleep just a couple of hours at a time, wake and have to check the time then go back to sleep. All through the night. Then I'm up out of bed quite unnecessarily just after 5am. Yesterday was the same and previous nights have been versions of that. It is selfish of me but I am hoping that after today I can sleep better.
Today is the day we say our formal goodbyes in public. The ceremony carried out and a friend makes that final journey. As one of the lead people in organising the event I suppose I could be stressed by it but I am numb really. There will be no vicar and we are running it ourselves. Amazingly that wasn't my idea ... I just did not want a vicar to say a few words about someone he did not know. Turns out that our mutual friend who is a Christian has strong ideas that if anyone was to say a prayer then it was to be her and not an unknown vicar. Oh wow! Me but in Christian form.
Thankfully I had a day out from all obligations last week and wrote the Eulogy. Now there is something different. I think I once toyed with the idea of reading our own obituary whilst we are still alive. Writing one is a huge privilege but really, I didn't give anyone a choice in the matter. I wanted to do it and felt that no-one would do her justice. There is so much to say. And so much that has not been said. Whether or not I have done my friend justice, and without it being a sobbing heart rendering whitewash, I know in my heart I have gone some way to show genuine love and appreciation.
Since we are running the funeral service ourselves, apparently we get to press the buttons. I know this means the buttons for the music but does this also mean the button for the final committal? We'll find out just beforehand when we are shown the buttons.
Darling Mr Doris and son too are coming with me. My son and my friend's son were occasional playmates in their younger years. Now young men this will be their first meeting in about ten years.
Out of the blue, a very dear friend of mine gave me last night a large hamper filled with a freshly baked quiche, a savoury tart and a sticky toffee pudding, some flowers and a card. She made them all yesterday for me to take to the wake as she knew I was helping with the food too. There are angels in this world in every one of us - it is just that some let them manifest in the most amazing way. What a wonderful gesture that feels so uplifting. Of course it will be an amazing day.
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The service went very well; I am exhausted; feeling quite numb; late night by the time we arrived home; people were wonderful; Mr Doris and son were helpful beyond the call of any duty; did I say I am exhausted?
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