The middle ground

Our lovely neighbour has her Christmas wreath up on her door, which is about four foot from our apartment door. I saw it for the first time yesterday, which is quite late for her, and it made me smile. So I feel it is my duty to get ours out too so that she can have that reciprocal smile when she comes out her door too.

This is extremely late for me - not even an advent calender is to be seen in our place. Very unusual. Admittedly, I have a lot on my mind that "I do not know how I feel" this year.

Driving to work yesterday, I realised that phrase "I do not know how I feel" had become part of my vocabulary this year. I have always been one of extremes, not quite black and white extremes I'd like to think, more of, you either did or you didn't and in that, it was either with excitement or not at all. My mother either made a mega obscene fuss of you or you were abandoned to the outer reaches of her universe. I have long wondered if my enthusiasm for whatever was a mirror of her ways, so yesterday I realised I had this new aspect of just saying "I do not know how I feel". More of a middle ground and that was absolutely fine.

That phrase was borne for me out of some particularly difficult experiences with someone in my life this year. Actually with two completely different people. I wonder if they are as confused and baffled by it all as I am. Rather than me drawing any decision or judgement on them or the situation I have decided to leave it at the "I do not know how I feel" stage. On the basis that least said soonest mended, not that I have any energy or desire to fix anything. Another new one for me - not feeling the need to mend.

Meanwhile the sale of our house* has fallen through in the last few days. Once again. Over five years we have had the house on and off the market and now at a greatly reduced price. Another buyer has stepped back up, at an even lower price. Releasing that house before Christmas would wipe our slate clean. Using the phrase "I do not know how I feel" has helped me through this because at times when I let go of that phrase then the enormity of all the negatives weigh heavy on me in a hugely depressing way. At least the middle ground allows me to skate through and still have some happy times. Feeling depressed does not.

*This is the house that we once loved and lavished. We downsized and could not sell due to the economy, then we left and rented it out. The first family screwed us over and the second were lovely but decided to leave and the house has now been empty for nearly six months leaving us paying a mortgage plus rent on where we live now plus all the sundry costs. As we "own" a house we do not live in, we are not entitled to any help. Then there are all the accruing interest charges on the debts from doing up the house. "I do not know how I feel" helps!