I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry. Laugh because word has it that my daughter's teenaged male friends think I'm the fittest mother around and fancied by them all. Or cry because in the early hours of this morning when she got in, I found out that my nearly 16 year old daughter smokes.
We've now had a non-hysterical discussion with her about the smoking. I am against her smoking but know there is no point laying down the law because it will just motivate her to smoke more in rebellion. I'm more worried that she will become addicted but she has assured us that she is only smoking "socially". So that's OK then? Hmm.
Part of her 16th birthday present arrived this morning and we decided to give it to her now in the hope it will occupy her and be a diversion. We had intended to give it to her anyway. It includes all sorts of casting materials: plaster of paris and resin for making body casts and models. She's been wanting to make body parts! It includes mysterious bags of chromatic alginate which she jokingly enquired whether it could be smoked :-( Maybe I do have a sense of humour after all as she is still alive.
Meanwhile, I have my Mrs Robinson name to live up to. It's a scream for me whilst my daughter can't believe this is happening and would rather I blended into obscurity. Mr Doris is now walking around the house with a cheeky grin on his face whistling a certain theme tune! (from Simon & Garfunkel)
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crap.
Keep in mind it has little to do with you, her decision to start. So don't get guilty. (I know I would, regardless)
I started at 11, and only stopped at 28 while pregnant. It was HARD. But I know that I had to decide to stop, no one else could make me.
I also remember the day my Dad found out being one of the few days I was ashamed of myself.
Thursday, August 04, 2005 4:08:00 PM
Is it naive to believe she hasn't actually started? Just an occasional smoke. She says she knows the health issues. Mr Doris put it to her that she was doing it under peer pressure even though she reckons she is cool enough to stand on her own.
On the other hand. I have smoked at times - mainly in social situations. But don't anymore.
You started at 11?! I agree with what you say - it has to come down to being your decision to stop.
Interesting about being found out. I think my daughter was more concerned that I had stayed up for her last night than I caught her out smoking. I don't get that logic but at least niether of us managed to lose our cool and both stayed mature about it!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 4:18:00 PM
I don't know when my son started .. but I found out when he was 16. I should have know when hubby's cigs started coming up missing! The good news is that hubby quit soon after that. Bad news ... son is still smoking nearly 20 years later! Sometime I'll have to post about HOW I found out!
There is nothing we can do you know. We give them the info they need ... let them know we don't approve ... but in the end it IS their decision. That doesn't stop us from agonizing over it though.
I do understand!
By the way, Mrs. Robinson ... do you have any boys you can throw MY way? LOL
By the way ... I'm here through BotB ... and now MUST GO VOTE FOR YOU!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 4:34:00 PM
Ouch - what do you do? I remember my mum bugging the arse out of me when she caught me smoking @ 18 .... it just encouraged me to carry on; rebellion as you said! I stopped 6 years ago but - it wasn't half a struggle! If you need to scream we're all out here -scream at us!
In response to other news - Wahey Mrs Robinson, it's so nice to be appreciated! Lol!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 4:46:00 PM
Dear Mrs. Robinson:
I started smoking at 15. Socially. If there is a gentle way of getting through to her before this becomes a true habit then by all means use it. It kills me to see a young person smoking. Now that I am *ahem* slightly past my 20's..er 30's... I can tell you it's a lot easier to keep smoking than to stop one it gets ahold of you. I vividly remember the day it became an addiction for me. I chose to keep smoking. Dumb me. Rest assured I will be an ex-smoker in the near future but it won't be easy.
OK, Mrs. Robinson, go forward and break some teenage hearts :-)
Thursday, August 04, 2005 5:58:00 PM
Thanks for the views and experiences on smoking. It is helpful hearing from others.
As for the Mrs Robinson and young boys..... needless to say I am making the most of it and enjoying the thought I could be thought of in this way. It certainly does in my old granny identity a bit.... or maybe this where all that "Gran Porn" from the search engines comes into it? Strange!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 6:08:00 PM
Uh oh, that's a tough situation there. I once bought these cigarette firecrackers, you could try that. ;)
Seriously, all the best.
Thursday, August 04, 2005 6:38:00 PM
DoF smoked a pipe while in college, and that never bothered me too much. I told him he had to do his own clean-up, I had done enough of that after my dad and would never wash an ashtray once I got my own place.
DoF actually bought some good cigars and taught the sons how to smoke. You know, the "inhale, don't inhale" bit. I'd say each was about age 14 when I'd get home from work or the grocery store and there would be the couple of them around the picnic table.
None started smoking cigarettes, and only have a cigar for special times.
The money factor comes in big time. The smokes cost too much when a kid wants guitar strings or a new model plane for his collection. The allowance will only stretch so far.
Thursday, August 04, 2005 6:57:00 PM
What a riot! And such a compliment.
Almost makes me want to have a teen of my own.
Thursday, August 04, 2005 7:08:00 PM
you now officially joined the MILF club - excellent and welcome!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 7:16:00 PM
Off topic: Thanks for the meme and it is now posted on my blog :)
Cheers
Thursday, August 04, 2005 7:25:00 PM
Fidget - I like to think of myself being a woman of the world... I wondered what this wonderful club was that I had now earned a place in by virtue of my blog.... so I looked on your blog to see if there was a badge or something I could proudly display on my blog (I jest ye not!) and nothing, so I did a Google. Ah! "Mothers I Like to F*** Club" Put like that it somehow now feels as gross as my daughter's impression of it all!!! Still, I'm sure I could get used to wearing my hat with pride ;-) It's a hard life!
Curator - I like the idea of cigarette firecrackers!
MrsDoF - I'm not sure what this "inhale, don't inhale" thing is. I need to know.... off to Google after this.
Pearl - Hmm is all I have to say! It does have its good moments but can still be very hard.
Thursday, August 04, 2005 8:18:00 PM
After all this time, NOW you choose to let everybody know you're beautiful as well as intelligent. (I might just do the same thing - in revenge! I mean, prove I'm intelligent! (I've already done it for looks!!!) And, Mrs Robinson, where's my blinkin' review, I've just done yours and if I'd have known you were Mrs Robinson I would have made it a little bit more sexy but you'll just have to settle for 'great false teeth' on Blogexplosion! (Only joking! But you do go on about them!) Take Care, sorry for hogging your floor - instead of s'thing else - Take Care, Mark
Thursday, August 04, 2005 8:29:00 PM
I am sure you know that in the US we call moms like you MILF's, right???
Mother I'd Like to F***!!!
Its a compliment!!!
Thursday, August 04, 2005 11:48:00 PM
You know I hate to see someone start smoking, but lecturing anyone wont help. If it did my parents would have made me quit a long time ago. :-)
You can hope that she will be one of those people who truly are social smokers and can easily stop. I always envied those who could.
Friday, August 05, 2005 1:24:00 AM
Well heres to YOU Mrs Robinson! : ) Way to go.
I read some where , (I can never remember where I read what) that its harder to break a nicotine addiction then to break a heroin addiction. I think its wonderful that you were able to sit down and discuss this with her without the fighting. That leaves doors open. Bravo
Friday, August 05, 2005 4:22:00 AM
I somehow knew that you were a hottie! ;)
I started smoking when I was 15..definate peer pressure that turned into habit. No one knew except my Gram because I confessed (could never lie to her). After some choice words I didn't think Grandmothers knew she said "well at least you didn't say you were pregnant!".
Friday, August 05, 2005 8:24:00 AM
Hiya!
I can only echo what most people have said here...you can't really do anything about it (the smoking not the "Mrs Robinson"!).
I discovered my older daughter (and oldest of the 4) smoking when she was 15...she was terribly embarrassed...and I thought, "what do I do now?" I realised there is nothing...just to tell them you think it's a shame...
The one positive thing which came out of it though is that the other kids don't smoke (at least I don't THINK so!)
Friday, August 05, 2005 10:17:00 AM
...and one question...is there a FILF club??
Friday, August 05, 2005 10:21:00 AM
Mine don't smoke, as far as I know. Smoking friends have to go into the garden to smoke. It helps them to cut down in the winter months!
Friday, August 05, 2005 10:31:00 AM
Yay, you go Doris, great that the lads have taste! :).
Bad news about the smoking though. Perhaps she'll grow out of it if it's a peer thing?
It scares me how many of my 30-something friends still smoke despite having hacking coughs, no money and 'knowing the risks'.
Friday, August 05, 2005 10:46:00 AM
Have they called you a MILF yet? Not to your face of course - I hope.
You are doing a great job with your girl, if she now feels safe to admit things to you - sees that you will worry but not flip out at her, then she is much more likely to turn to you earlier when the next temptation or pressure comes along - and you know teenage - if its anything at all, its all temptations and pressures.
Hugs
Friday, August 05, 2005 2:15:00 PM
In reverse!
Cheryl - LOL - no, not to my face! This was something I knew about a couple of weeks ago but apparently my appearing at 3am in my dressing gown when the guys brought my daughter home was too much for their little cotton sox - these guys are 18 and 19!
Thanks for your reassurance - I too am surprised how well the situation was handled. If anything, I think the lines of communication have been improving over the last few months after having been awful for some years.
Ally - I'm hoping it doesn't get out of hand. I generally don't believe that smoking naturally leads to harder drugs but have to say that thought irrationally crossed my mind!
Anji - We're a non-smoking house so visitors have to smoke outside, which is how daughter smelling of the stuff made me realise and ask her if she was. Nice to hear from you - I look forward to visiting your blog.
Neutron - I love the sound of the FILF club! Doesn't quite work... in fact, I said to daughter the other day I was shocked that her friend had considered his mum's bum in that way - in comparison to my own. (Best of all - his mum is miles younger than me and he being the child of a young mother had assumed I was also a good decade younger... oh boy, I do feel quite good!)
And we all like to think we know what our kids are up to.... Mama Mouse has written a post today about just that!
Arc - Reminds me once of a heavy conversation I had to have with my parents - it turned out badly and my mother said it would have been better if I had told them I was gay!
Mamsbug - I'm not surprised about the nicotine addiction.
Tim - Knowing how much trouble you are having to give up the stuff, I hope she can truly keep it under control. Ironic that I was once a "social" smoker and did give it up without a problem - can I be brave enough to let her get on with it.
TrueJerseyGirl - Thanks - I hadn't realised it until I had looked it up. To my mind there is something funny and OK about fancying but when it is turned into the thought of going all the way it is no so cute!
s4essene - Drats - my cover has been blown! In reality I am somewhere in between so it is another cover to think of a MILF but still not true. That's why I like the idea of a packet of cereal for my pic as you can use your imagination as you please, or not! :-)
Friday, August 05, 2005 3:07:00 PM
I don't know... at 16... I'd probably make her eat them. Then, if I knew she had some, I'd report her to the cops (At least here, it's illegal to posses tobacco if you are under 18.) I know starting smoking young is one thing I regret... I'd do every thing i could to get that thru to her.
Michele says hello.
Friday, August 05, 2005 3:42:00 PM
Oh LOL!!! (about the Mrs. Robinson thing...BTDT) but not about the smoking! Argh! Thankfully my daughter was always anti-smoking, so the worst I've had to deal with is knowing that her current boyfriend smokes. That leads to me worrying that he'll cause a fire in her apartment... but she assures me he's not allowed to smoke there.
My son's dad died of lung cancer when my son was 8 (two years ago), so I REALLY don't worry about him smoking. I'm lucky if he doesn't lecture every smoker we encounter...
Here via michele today.
Friday, August 05, 2005 3:56:00 PM
I figured that people who smoke have children who smoke, so I wanted my boys to understand that while a cigarette is just a cigarette, a good cigar is a smoke. They're spoiled by the good stuff, unlikely to waste time, money, and taste on junk.
Also: you inhale cigarettes, (paralyzing the cilia in your lungs) but you puff a cigar. That's the "inhale/don't inhale thing" MrsDoF got slightly askew. But she was not present for the father/son sessions.
The upside is that for most people, cigarettes are a 20-times-a-day habit (body has no time to recover) and a good cigar is a once-a-week thing. Not healthy, but the body has time to recover.
Pipe smoking is technical, especially if you blend your own tobaccos. Our college was walking distance from a fine tobacconist. I have not had time to smoke a pipe for years.
Despite their assurances, kids cannot really grasp the health risks because they have no sense of their own mortality.
Saturday, August 06, 2005 3:41:00 AM
I forgot to mention about MILF - each summer families tour our campus. I guess it is telling that I notice the mothers a great deal more than their daughters.
Saturday, August 06, 2005 3:53:00 AM
Difficult one - the smoking. You know your daughter best and therefore you know what to believe and how best to act.
On the lighter side - MILF - it's great, isn't it? Unfortunately, I've never been able to look at any of my sons friends and repay the compliment. LOL.
Mind you, I occasionally see a right looker at some of the gigs I attend ;)
Saturday, August 06, 2005 6:45:00 PM
Doris,
thats such a tough call. it's her very life you are concerned about, yet, if you overreact, you're right, she's smoke more.
my daughter is 24 and has been 'socially' smoking for about 8 years now. she says she can't quit. it's heartbreaking because i want her to life a long, healthy life.
perhaps if your daughter insists, then at least have her be educated. have her research and/or visit a cancer ward at a hospital.
i know this sounds exaggerated, but isn't this how we all started?
my heart goes out to you
Sunday, August 07, 2005 5:49:00 AM
decrepitoldfool Thanks for explaining the cigar and smoking thing! That would then explain why I notoriously threw up once having thoroughtly "smoked" every inch of a cigar after a wedding feast (not my wedding!). I was so light-headed I was drunk.
Jane The idea of some shock treatment or visiting a cancer ward (not quite but of that ilk) might be an idea.
Sunday, August 07, 2005 11:38:00 PM